Monday, October 8, 2007

For Those Who Care: Torre's Final Game, The Sequel


Sterlingblogger El Duque won't be joining us tonight; he has tickets to a Bob Dylan-Elvis Costello concert. Which starts at game time. And he's going.

BOTTOM NINTH: I'm watching the flames from the booth as I load the truck in the parking lot. Mr. Torre and I are going on a hunting trip. Just him and me, and our Elvis Costello and Bob Dylan records. A good chance to plan the concession stand we're starting next year at Safeco Field. Real New York egg creams, ten dollars. We agree it'll be a full time job for both of us. Home run Abreu. Monster shot. CLEVELAND 6, YANKEES 4. A-Rod flies out; it'll be a fat winter for some pricey 5th Avenue therapist. Two outs. Jorge hits a monster foul blast, but monster fouls don't count.

Game over. Thanks for everything, Joe.


TOP NINTH:
Sterling has barricaded the booth shut and he's chopping the desk into kindling. How did he get an ax past security? He's broadcasting Elvis Costello and Bob Dylan songs, interrupting them only to say he'll release Suzyn in exchange for lighter fluid and a blowtorch.

BOTTOM EIGHTH: I wonder what Bob Dylan's numbers were tonight? Guess we'll find out.

TOP EIGHTH:
Commenter mcm says, "stay away, a-rod homers when your back is turned." Maybe I should. First I'll try leaving TBS and hitting John & Suzyn. Maybe that'll help.

But maybe not. The pain is back in their voices. They're regretting last night's mic sex, you can tell. I'd say they should revert to a same-sex booth next year, but that wouldn't help. Not these days.

BOTTOM SEVENTH:
Went for cigarettes. What did I miss? CLEVELAND 6, YANKEES 3!!!

TOP SEVENTH:
FARNSY! I need a cigarette.

That was my last cigarette and the convenience store is covered with bugs.

Duque is listening to Bob Dylan and all I got is Ronan f-ing Tynan. Shelly Duncan is pretending to sing along, but I'm reading his lips, and you don't want to know.

BOTTOM SIXTH:
SOLO HOME RUN BOB DYLAN! CLEVELAND 6, YANKEES 2!!!

BASE HIT DUNCAN! BASE HIT DAMON! HERE COMES THE CAPTAIN! LOAD THE RALLY LIZA!

GIDP. Jeter's parting gift to the man he calls "Mr. Torre."

TOP SIXTH:
RON VILLONE! Awesome!

BOTTOM FIFTH:
"Dirty Water" finally shaking the house. There aren't enough cigarettes in the world. Followed by "New York, New York." Nice of him. But I'd rather be at the War Memorial with El Duque, listening to Bob Dylan play "Taps" on the harmonica.

These TBS games will be a lot better next year when Torre's in the booth.

TOP FIFTH:
I should mention that Yankee-disliking, non-Redsock housemate is a gentleman. He's been saying soothing things and spraying me down with Off.

BASE HIT! A-Rod's monster postseason continues.

BOTTOM FOURTH:
Cigarette. Redsock Housemate says he's going to play "Dirty Water" at top volume. Score the Aiken joke an E.

TBS Trivia Question: When Superfrankenstein's heart breaks for the Yankees, where is El Duque?

TOP FOURTH:
Elvis Costello sings "Dirty Water" with guest star Clay Aiken, dedicates it to the Redsocks. El Duque applauds wildly.

Moose-shit, meet bed. CLEVELAND 6, YANKEES 1.

Wow. Clemens is at the game. Put him in!

BOTTOM THIRD:
Posada doubles, Steinbrenner fires him. Pinch runner: Mattingly.

TOP THIRD:
Cigarette or Mussina? Cigarette.

BOTTOM SECOND:
The Cleveland catcher--do they have names?--leaps into the path of Matsui's bat they call it a strike. Interfering catchers go unpunished in New York. Bring back Rudy. Redsock Housemate is explaining why the Yankees don't belong in the playoffs. I can't breathe.

Wait.

Rain.

Pleasepleaseplease.

Wait. What? Bases loaded, action in the Indians' bullpen... Never mind.

CLEVELAND 4, YANKEES 1.

TOP SECOND:
What would you say to Chien Ming Wang? See sidebar poll. Watching on TBS now with my housemates, one a Yankee-disliker and the other a Yankee-hater (and Redsock fan). Fun, I tell you. And then there's the laundry, and the cigarettes... may Moose perform better than me tonight. And it looks like he won't.

A few days ago, commenter BBB wrote:

No, then Yanks will win Game 4. Despite an 0-fer-5 from A-Bomb, the Yanks will find a way to win.

Why?

To put the season where some people always knew it would end up.

In the shaking, sweaty hands of Mike Mussina.

If El Duque had given Wang his concert ticket, Torre would have a job tomorrow, CLEVELAND 4, YANKEES 0.

BOTTOM FIRST:
Two on, one out, A-Rod up. No worries, A-Rod. No one is looking at you. Just go about your... OH CRAP!!!

TOP FIRST:
Sizemore dinger, third pitch from manfully unrested Wang. "What a way to begin, says Sterling. "What a way to begin," he repeats. CLEVELAND 1, YANKEES 0

I feel like Wang. I was doing laundry and saw a clock and said oh Jesus look at the time. I had to haul ass like Giambi to third. But at least I'm here. At least I didn't go to a concert with Torre's job on the line. CLEVELAND 2, YANKEES 0. Did Elvis sing "Motel Matches," El Duque? The pretty one about infidelity and betrayal? I know you love that song. I used to.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

so, you win but you still have to deal with the Beckett, Schilling, Dice-K, Wakefield!

Maybe Joe has to go!

ssags11 said...

"Love that dirty H20"

rap said...

Someone needs to slap Chip Caray.

Anonymous said...

stay away, a-rod homers when your back is turned

Anonymous said...

Dear Super frank....

I already said, before yesterday's final game of our real lives, that the loss would be on El Duque's head if we went to the concert and abondoned his recently discovered "ju-ju."

But what eveyone is missing amonst all the clamor about Joe, A-rod, Mariano, Jorge, etc., is WILL JOHN STERLING'S CONTRACT BE RENEWED?????

Please address in your post mortem remarks.

From the Copper river basin of Alaska, we bid you adieu for the season;

Alphonso
David Wright
Tyler Clippard
Edwar Ramirez

el duque said...

SF,

I tried to post last night, but you kept the file open, and I guess my additions didn't get in.

YOU COST US THE SERIES.

THAT WAS MY LAST GASP JU-JU.

Mustang said...

You tried to post? From the Onondaga County War Memorial?

Nice try, duque. That place hasn't even heard of eight-track tape yet.

Mustang said...

Someone needs to slap Chip Caray.

rockin' rich, The New York Times did.

Anonymous said...

Any why were all the TBS dolts getting orgasmic over Byrd's performance? One of those morons (I'm guessing it was Carey) talked about Byrd's "absolutely scintillating" performance. Uh, he allowed 8 hits, 2 walks and 2 runs in just five innings. And when Byrd said he didn't think he pitched all that great, the on-field reporter gushed back that he "was fantastic!" or something like that.

It was bad enough watching the series, but listening to Carey and company made me want to puke.


BBB

Mustang said...

BBB, I live 3,000 miles from the Yankees Radio Network, but I get the fair-and-balanced Sterling broadcasts from mlb.com for $15 a year. Sterling and Suzyn report, I decide, and I can pretend that secular humanists like Caray were never born.

rap said...

And Caray mispronounced Bayonne twice... on two different broadcasts.

I mean, even people from Jersey can pronounce Bayonne correctly, so wtf?

And I am with you on the broadcasts, SF. I'm too lazy to take my XM out of my car and set it up in the house, so I'm getting the mlb.tv thing. Then, I can watch the games while pretending to do my freelance work on my laptop.