Friday, March 25, 2011

Yes, Virginia, there IS an Easter Bunny: Kevin Millwood will soon be ours, mwahahahahaha

Today, we feel like Charlie Sheen. We're within nickels of signing the Kevin Millwood to some minor league scrap metal voucher, which means he'll be paid with bottle deposits, based on what he does. (Scott Walker in Wisconsin would probably like this deal.) It's the best news in weeks.

Listen: Since spring training began, we've lost Francisco Cervelli, Curtis Granderson, Hosni Mubarik, Moammar Gaddafi's staff of implanted virgin bodyguards and the entire country of Japan (BTW: Our gift to the Japanese, Kei Igawa, has been sent back)... Now, at last... something to celebrate: Theman who does to innings what iodine tablets do to radiation!

OK, some of you hate this. Fine. Don't show us your Underalls. This is a mnor league deal at the end of spring training, and our payroll is BELOW $200 million, which is the Mendoza Line of Yankee spending. Not gonna break us. Not gonna keep us from signing the next Latino 16 year-old, who is already into his second marriage. It's money. We got money. We're not the Mets.

And to any 1927 Redsock fans out there looking to gloat -- go ahead. Anybody see how Clay the Spay Buchtooth pitched yesterday? Beckett’s ERA? (5.02) Dice K’s? (6.05). Carl Crawfish is hitting .205 BA with 1 extra base hit, and Speedy Gonzalez  is.143 BA with no extra base hits. Yep, she's only spring. But how DID the Redsocks do in '27?

Millwood is another piece of rubber to be inserted into sneakers between Garcia/Colon and any of the prospects who might not be ready. We snickered when Cash signed Colon. Now he's Paul frickin  Quantrill. We smirked when Cash signed Chavez. Now he's the second coming of Eric Hinske.
Millwood is ours. We're thinking. We're plotting evil. There is no better omen than that.
(If only we had been thinking two months ago, when Ace Aceves was still on the market.)

1 comment:

Joe De Pastry said...

We've "lost" Cervelli?
Like that's a bad thing?