Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Jesus homereth againeth

As the Yankiverse breathlessly gins up deadline trade scenarios, Brian Cashman is being pushed to fix problems easily solved in our own system. Take, for example, the open drain at DH, where "Hip-hip-Jorge" has become, "Hip-hip-double play!"

Last night, Chickenbone Chavez arrived from the dead unit to spell Nuni at 3B and become the lefty DH down the road. Meanwhile, Jesus "I am bored" Montero hit another HR down in the coal mine. We are sitting on perhaps the best DH prospect the month of September could deliver - that is, unless we listen to the infield chatter and trade him for the star pitcher of early 2010, Ubaldo Jimenez.

If we trade Jesus for Ubaldo, I will personally drive to New York City and strangle  Cashman with my bare hands, metaphorically speaking. No. I take it back. I will wear my blue potato peeler gloves, the punishing Tater Mitts, from the "As Seen on TV Store." They contain little embedded stones, which will amplify Cashman's pain, along with his personal shame. Not only that, but the last sight his bulging, humiliated eyes will see shall be my vintage Hideki Irabu "Typhoon Irabu" T-shirt. I will wear it to browbeat the security forces into letting me into the front office.  I will dishonor and soil him, metaphorically speaking.

I have no choice. My life for millions. The Colorado Rockies have seen enough of Ubaldo to know his future is a straight downward descent into Atlee Hammaker Land. They talk about wanting a Herschel Walker deal. They'll accept a Johnny Walker deal, if it includes Jesus.

Two nights ago, Ubaldo pitched against the dreaded Arizona Diamondbacks, yes, the powerhouse of that Triple A National League West. He went five innings and gave up five earned runs. What a stud. Can you imagine the outrage across the Yankiverse on the day after he gets brutalized by the Redsocks? Can you imagine the screams when Montero develops into an all-star? This is the kind of deal that could derail an entire decade. This would be Cashman's legacy, and he'd be better off dying rather than have to live through it. (In the afterlife, I'm sure he'd thank me, though I suspect I'd get some negatives about the potato peeler gloves.)

We don't need Ubaldo. We already have six starters. We need a DH in October who doesn't deliver ground balls directly to shortstops. Jesus Montero might have one brief incarnation as a Yankee: The DH this October. After that, if we feel he cannot be our catcher, then trade him. Do it in the offseason, when we put him up for bids -- it's our deal, not Colorado's. 

We need a DH. We have the answer right in front of us.

Don't make me use those potato peelers.

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