Sunday, July 24, 2011

These Are The Times That Try Men's Souls

The July 31 trade deadline approaches.

This is the season when the Yankees regularly acquire some over-the-hill pitcher, who always proves to be a bum, for our best prospects ( of which we have exponentially fewer than the
Red Sox ).

Each season this occurs, the Yankee future is further mortgaged until our best prospects are 35+, the Steinbrenner's are banned from baseball, and we are in last place.

To learn if my ire and frustration are based in reality, I sought out a nationally recognized member of the psychiatric community
( who insisted on anonymity ) and
asked for an explanation as to why the Yankees appear more at risk, at this time of year, than any other team in baseball.

"Why is that'" I queried?

" As it happens," responded this eminent psychiatrist, "I have for years, treated the Yankee's General Manager ( whom I cannot name, for ethical reasons) and have a clear, clinical understanding of the answer to that question."

"And ????" ( I blurted this out).

" The Yankee's General Manager becomes sexually aroused at this time of year with the thought, prospect and individual power to trade youth for age."

" Isn't that some sort of Oedipal problem," I ventured? "More importantly, can it be cured before July 31st? "

After several long and agonizing draws on a vintage corncob pipe, this renowned doctor of behavioral science looked me in the eyes and said, " his primary and most powerful sexual relief comes by pulling the trigger on a really bad deal. Completion, in this context, satisfies him for nearly 12 months, because he always returns to partial reality after his pre-deadline deals have been on public display for a while."

"And 2011, for him, is a tsunami of sexual possibility. Only this year does his deadline on trading prospects correspond with the Congressional deadline on the debt limit. Deadlines, and likely doomsday scenarios from faulty and irresponsible decisions, are dominating the national dialogue. The sexual tensions have never been more atomic."

Because the American people have no ability to influence the immaturity, idiocy and sexual improprieties of our government, I then suggested we hire a beautiful, sexy older woman ( 60 +) to be the Yankee General Manager's sexual slave for the next 7 days.

"That could help as long as she could keep him away from all electronic devises. But the overwhelming sexual impact for him ( the general manager ) comes from recklessly meting out the young prospects under his control for the possibility of a powerful, unknown climax.......that is to say, conclusion. I don't think actual sex could come close to matching the sexual potentcy of his fantasies."

"It is the likely prospect of public humiliation and failure that turns him on. He told me of a dream, that occurs for him only during the pre-trade deadline week, where he looks down one rush hour morning and realizes that he is naked on the subway with nothing to cover himself, and is surrounded by attractive older women in tight fitting silk dresses. The train conductor then comes on the PA system and informs the riders that there will be a delay due to extensive congestion ahead. "

" At this time of year, then, he gets sexual urges and arousal from the prospect of revealing how disingenuous he is to those previously loyal young Yankee players whom he drafted, signed, or traded to acquire.

He seduced them with talk of loyalty, the pinstripe tradition, and the team's history and success with home-grown players. At the same time, he is able to "hide" his disingenuousness under the mantle of, 'acquiring some big name player with a track record who will help in the post season'.

The Jeckyl and Hyde aspect of this trade-off is what stimulates him. His prurient interests can be both public and hidden at the same moment. And he gets to reveal all of his disturbing, sexual gratification to everyone around him, without being subject to arrest. Pretty heady stuff, don't you think?"

" In other words," I responded, "it is like the priest who can masturbate in the confessional while he prods the young boy who is confessing to him to elaborate on his sins until the priest is satisfied."

"Psychologically, yes, that is what is going on. The GM, like the priest, is seen as doing good and responsible work while, in reality, he is attending only to his own deviant passions. And it is risk free."

I then took my double prescription of Xanax and left her office.


Brett Farve said...

how about putting suzie on the job.
she could satisfy him sexually and he could be publicly humiliated by being seen with her.

Joe De Pastry said...

I didn't know Dr Melfi smoked a pipe.