Kevin Baker's book is here!

Kevin Baker's book is here!
"... an exemplary sports book..." Kirkus Reviews

Saturday, June 15, 2019

Dear Mr. Cashman, You better not wait until Aug. 1 to decimate the Yankee farm system

Dear Mr. Brian,

I'm turning over a new leaf. I'm tired of being a Negative Nelly, a glass-half-empty, self-loathing Yankee fan. From now on, it's N.B.H.: Nothing But Hope! I'm with you, all the way. This team is going places. I smell home field advantage in the Wild Card! Book it, Dano! 

Last night, in the top of the first, you surely beamed with pride when Luke Voit homered to put the Yankees ahead. He's your boy! Your discovery! It showed that your AL East-leading lineup (at least at the time) could kick around that White Sox stud pitcher of the day, Lucas Giolito. Hah. Take that, Chicago.

Well, okay, so that fiery loins jolt of hope lasted about 15 minutes. (But did you know that 15 minutes can save you a lot on car insurance? And drain a team of hope?) It took that long for CC Sabathia to put us in a 4-1 hole, from which they never escaped. 

Our team has now lost 8 of 12 and reclaimed its customary perch: 2nd place in the AL East. I can list three reasons for this: 1) Starting pitching, 2) Starting pitching, 3) Starting pitching. If you study the rotation, as I know you have, so barren is our Quintet of Quacks that, without the benefit of powerful drugs, one must wonder how, back in May, this team looked so good.

But as I noted earlier, I'm not here to whine. No more "Woe is me." No more "Chicken Little." From now on, helpful suggestions, with a gleeful smile.

Here's an idea. Maybe you should phone a few GMs, as a neighborly gesture, to ask about their families. Can you send them a Wolferman's cheesecake gift basket? Or tickets to Hamilton? Could Randy Levine maybe offer them jobs in the Trump administration? Could he maybe get you a job in the Trump administration? If you happen to have compromising photographs - better yet, videos - of any opposing GMs, this would be a great time to remind them of how judgmental the internet can be. 

Not that I'm suggesting anything unethical. It's just that starting pitchers are hard to come by. It's not often that, say, a veteran starter just appears out of nowhere, as a free-agent, who would cost the franchise nothing but money. I mean, that would be incredible! Imagine a proven starter - in his low 30s, not over-the-hill - who would be willing to accept a one-year deal. Boy, that would be sweet! I gotta believe that if an opportunity like that ever came around, the Yankees would jump on it. 

But, well, that just won't happen. Turns out, we will have to trade our best young talent. On that note, I'm delighted to say: I got your back! I say, TO HELL WITH 2021 AND BEYOND. LET'S CLEAR THE DECKS! Estevan Florial? What has he done lately? Clint Frazier, we've got Gardy! Thairo Estrada? Scranton doesn't need another shortstop. GET RID OF THEM. So what if they sit atop our prospect rankings. Just write up a new list. Put Dopey Dildox on it. Nobody will care. There are old guys out there, with salaries waiting to be dumped, and the Yankees need them. Now. 

So, in trying to be positive, I decided to get the ball rolling. I googled "starting pitchers" and "shopping." Holy crap! This is a cornucopia! 

Of course, our first instincts are to buy the book about Oil Can Boyd. Hal Steinbrenner would love it, though let's face it: He'll blanch at the price tag: $24.59. I'd suggest the $7.99 tee-shirt saluting the Redsocks' 2010 rotation. I hope it comes in ladies SMALL, so Hal can fit in it.

Of course, I recognize that money doesn't grow on trees. The Yankees simply cannot afford to spend willy-nilly. We can't buy our way to a Wild Card. I say, TRADE THEM ALL. I'm with you all the way. I can already taste that Wild Card home field advantage. Woo-woo. A silver medal in the AL East. Another great Yankee season!

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

Too bad Hal didn't hire Horace. Probably could have gotten him cheap too

JM said...

Hey, Bitty, while I love the idea of forming a rabid pack of Buck hecklers to attend a game, I don't think I'll be able to make it. Looks like everyone is good for one of the August options and I'll be out of town then. Out of the country, actually. So it goes.

Extreme positions that often make no sense are my metier, so I agree whole-heartedly with Duque. Let's trade everybody we can get our hands on. Let's populate the roster with proven veteran players, many of whom may have won a ring sometime in the dim past, and trot them out every single day, come hell or high water. This will fit perfectly with Morales' return from the IL.

What the hell, let's see if Oil Can Boyd can still throw in the 70s and offer him a contract, too. No more fooling around. Time to get serious.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Met Oil Can outside Phen Weigh when they had an open house celebrating their new beer concourse. He was a pretty entertaining guy. Elevator didn't go all the way to the top though.

KD said...

Hal was snookered by the stat babies into believing he could find gems overlooked by other organizations. All on the cheap. If by chance they hit oil, as with Voit, the stat babies will eventually ruin him by demanding home run swings in every at bat. One must wonder how this guidance plays into Judge’s and Stanton’s china doll frailty. Taking huge cuts on every pitch has to put terrible strains on lats, quads, and pendulous gonads, true?

Anonymous said...

I DREAD EVERY CC START....

HONESTLY, I FEEL LIKE I HAVE BEEN DREADING ALL HIS STARTS FOR THE PAST FEW YEARS (EVEN THOUGH HIS NUMBERS SOMEHOW NEVER LOOK THAT BAD)....

HE ALWAYS SEEMS TO PITCH JUST GOOD ENOUGH TO GIVE UP A LEAD, LOSE, OR HAVE A COMPLETE DISASTER LIKE YESTERDAY.

I KEEP GOING BACK TO HOW IT MADE NO SENSE TO SIGN HIM FOR THIS SEASON.

LAST YEAR WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HIS LAST YEAR, BUT DURING MID-SEASON, HE FELT GOOD ENOUGH TO REVERSE HIS STANCE AND START TALKING ABOUT COMING BACK FOR 1 MORE YEAR.

COOP AND HAL FELL FOR IT HOOK, LINE, AND SINKER.

COMING INTO THIS SEASON:

1.) HIS KNEE WAS AND IS, SHOT (IT HAS BEEN SHOT FOR YEARS NOW)...NEEDS CONSTANT DRAINING.
2.) HE IS NEARING 40.
3.) HE CAN'T FIELD HIS POSITION.
4.) HE IS COMING OFF HEART SURGERY.
5.) HE STRUGGLES TO GO 4 FULL INNINGS. MUCH LESS 5.
6.) HE CAN'T BEAT THE RED SOX.
7.) HE CAN'T BEAT THE RED SOX, ESPECIALLY AT FENWAY. (NO WAY).

LOOKING AT ALL THESE REASONS, IT IS ASTOUNDING HOW COOP AND HAL DECIDED RIGHT AWAY DURING THE OFF-SEASON TO PONY UP $8 MILLION TO BRING HIM BACK, WHEN ALL INDICATORS "ON THE DIAMOND" SCREAM, "DO NOT SIGN!".

FORGET ABOUT "TEAM LEADER" AND "CLUBHOUSE FAVORITE".

WHEN YOU'RE TAKING US OUT OF THE GAME IN THE FIRST INNING, LIKE YESTERDAY, NONE OF THAT MATTERS.

HE WAS PITIFUL.

....ALL FOR ONLY $8 MILLION.

HoraceClarke66 said...

You're right, Anon. I work for gin! Live for it, too. Well, all right: and good bourbon.

Anonymous said...

It's all about win 250. Someone here, I forget who, said something along the lines of the Yankees are going to have jump out to an 8-0 lead in the top of the first and then hold on for dear life in order for him to get it.

Once he does maybe he will retire early. If he wants to be in the Hall of Fame getting blown out constantly isn't helping.

I hope the above takes place soon. Really soon.

As far as the rest of the team goes. I'm starting to have real issues with Urshala. On the defensive side. The focus hasn't been there in a few weeks. I've written this before but it seems to me like he went from trying to make the team to "star" and he's not wearing it well.

It's amazing given all the injuries that we're still in a virtual tie for first (Boston keeps creeping closer though) but all the vitriol directed at Hal and Co. is deserved for not addressing starting pitching.

Yesterday I was able to watch the game in under 45 minutes. I knew two batters in that I would only be watching the Yankee half of the innings. And by the third it was FF time right to the end. Not good.

Doug K.

Anonymous said...

LOVE BOURBON HOSS....

GENTLEMAN JACK.

DOUG K....

I AM NOTICING THE SAME THING WITH URSHELA.

HE IS MAKING A LOT OF MISPLAYS!

DROPPING AN EASY POP THE OTHER DAY, LAST NIGHT RIGHT BETWEEN HIS LEGS, AND QUITE A BIT OF OTHER GAFFS....

I AGREE DOUG.

HE SEEMS "COMFORTABLE" INSTEAD OF "HUNGRY" LATELY.

13bit said...

Alright Everybody.

I’m going to post this in a few threads, just to make sure you all see if. Please don’t consider it spam.

We are attempting to have a real-life meetup at the Stadium for a day game on Monday, August 12th, at 1:05 PM. I know, it’s against the Orioles, but who cares? It should be fun.

I’m going to wait a few days and collect emails and possibly phone numbers before I buy tickets. I’m thinking cheap seats, because cheap in the new stadium is not so cheap. The main thing is the joy of meeting up in real life and eating expensive e-coli-laced food. Everyone is welcome, even the resident sociopath. We would LOVE to see you in person if you’re willing to fly in.

Please send me an email at motelsign@protonmail.com from a real email account - or at least from one that you check regularly. If you want to include your phone, even better, but we don’t have to worry about logistics for the moment. Once I look into tickets, I’ll email everybody first to make sure what we do is acceptable, then we can do physical tickets in the mail, meet up outside the stadium, or possibly do e-tix. It will work out.

I’ll respond. That much is sure. If I doubt your identify - and I don’t see that happening, I may have you post something from your username on the blog, just to verify.

Again, email me at motelsign@protonmail.com if you are interested in meeting up on August 12th.

I love you all.

~Paul

Carl J. Weitz said...

Rufus...was that open house the beginning of last season? If so, my son was there. He works for Boston Beer Co. (Sam Adams, Angry Orchard). They became their corporate sponsor. He takes clients to that pavillion for games and gets them drunk. And a tour of 5he brewery before the game.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Carl,

That was in 2012. I went to see my commemorative brick in honor of Russell O'Dey.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/xb1c2fddhac9ika/IMG_6082_crop.JPG?dl=0

I was in Phen Weigh when Ol' Russ hit a bloop homer in 1978. I figured the occasion needed a brick. Couldn't put his more well known name, so used his birth name.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Bricks were added as a money making venture on the 100th anniversary of that dump.

el duque said...

Let me see if I can get to NYC on August 12. I would love to meet you all.

13bit said...

Duque, we would be honored and I'm sure everybody is ready to chip in and try to come up with the dough for a bottle of Poland Spring water that we can share.

So far, the email address is working and LBJ may help in setting up a clearinghouse for info on FB. Details are being hammered out at the highest levels.

I'll post the original appeal again tomorrow.

Anonymous said...

WISH I COULD GO, 13 BIT...

IT WOULD BE SOMETHING ELSE TO MEET MOST OF YOU....

I WOULD LOVE IT.

UNFORTUNATELY, I OWN 3 SEASONAL STORES (ICE CREAM!) AND IT'S THE BUSY SEASON.

I WOULD LOVE TO BUY A ROUND OF GENTLEMAN JACK FOR EVERYONE.

PROBABLY BE $17.00 PER SHOT IN A PLASTIC CUP!

FUCKING HAL.

Isiyku Abdulahi said...


I’m so happy to testify of the good work of @DrPepokotemple I Suffer from Herpes virus since 2011 and i had frequent symptoms in my private area, after some time it will go away after using acyclovir drugs, then come back after some months. it was disheartening since i have been diagnosed, but after finding @DrPepokotemple and his reviews i was convinced that he will definitely cure me and so i contacted and he told me how to get his medicine and using it for just 14 days and i will go and check up and first i said how can that be possible but i used his herbal medicine after making purchase and truly i used it and went for the test again, and my result came back negative. so i made it a task to share this good testimony in the internet so that those sick can benefit and get cured