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Sunday, June 23, 2019

This Needs to Happen

Aaron Boone stumbled downstairs Sunday morning, his head still a little dizzy from the half-glass of port he'd imbibed to celebrate the Yankees' 8th straight victory the night before. Suddenly, he stopped.

There, filling his living room, were his wife Laura, their 56 adopted children, his father Bob, brother Brett, and—gathered in the back of the room around the couch and the loveseat—every Yankees fan in creation.

"What—what is this?" Boone mumbled, his mouth suddenly dry.

"Oh, I think you know what it is, dearest," Laura said, running a smoothing hand down the side of his face.

"Not-not- "

"Yes, dear.  It's an intervention."

"Noooooo!"

"Please don't be like that, sweetheart.  You know and I know that this was bound to happen if you kept on doing what you've been doing," Laura told him, trying to keep her voice as soft and possible and choke back the tears.

Bob Boone got up off the credenza and came over to his son.

"Aaron, you've always been a good boy, and a fine ballplayer—if not quite as good as Brett was—"

"Not quite as juiced, you mean!"

"Let's not get into that again.  You know what we're here about."

"No!  No, I don't!" Aaron yelled, and stomped his foot, wanting to run, to hide, to be anywhere but in that room.

"YES, YOU DO," said all the Yankees fans in creation.

"You see that?" his dad told him.  "They only want the best for you.  As do all of us here.  But this has got to stop."

"What has got to stop?" Aaron screamed—though deep in his heart, he knew the answer already.

"Son, I hoped it wouldn't come to this.  But I'll spell it out for you, if I have to," Bob Boone told him, a stern look on his face.  "You have to stop using Jonathan Holder."

"Nooooooo!"

"YES. YES, YOU DO."

"Oh, now I know, I know," his father said, putting an arm around the shoulders of his now sobbing son.  "He's out there in the bullpen.  He's wearing a uniform, with an actual number on it.  You think of him just like a real major-league pitcher.  You want to put him in every big game.  You keep telling yourself, 'Hey, this will give him confidence!' "

"Well?  What's wrong with that?" Aaron spat out resentfully through his tears.

"Son, you got to give it up.  What is it they call the definition of insanity in these recovery programs? Doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results?"

"It's not MY fault!  Mr. Cashman says I HAVE to use him, that the analytics check out.  And, and, and Mr. Hal said I did, too, that he is really inexpensive, and—"

"What's this now, son?  Denial?  Passing the buck?" his father asked, while Brett gave an ill-concealed snicker. After a sharp look from Bob, he stared blankly out into space again.

"Well, it's true!"

"Oh, c'mon now, son. You know and I know that thanks to Mr. Cashman and Mr. Hal you have 196 pitchers out in the bullpen on an average night. You know you don't really have to use Holder in any important situation.  Wouldn't his services be put to better use peddling hot dogs in the bleachers?"

"Well, yeah, I guess so," Aaron said, sniffling a little but beginning to feel better about himself.

"You could easily just change his number with somebody else's—Cashman is not going to notice.  And Hal is too busy watching the World Cup, to plan his exciting new women's soccer league venture."

"I guess."

"And think of what a good thing you'll be doing for all the Yankees fans."

"YES, YOU WOULD.  WE WANT TO TEAR OUR OWN FINGERNAILS OUT WHEN WE SEE JONATHAN HOLDER WARMING UP."

"Okay, okay. I'll try to stop using him. But I can't go cold turkey. I still have to pitch him some in blowouts, and stuff like that."

"WE UNDERSTAND. JUST AS LONG AS IT'S BLOWOUTS IN SCRANTON."

"Hey, c'mon!  Is that nice?"

'WE'RE NOT NICE.  WE'RE YANKEES FANS.  AND WE DON'T WANT TO SEE JONATHAN HOLDER AGAIN.  EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER."

"Okay, okay, you made your point!"

'THANK YOU.  WE'LL BE GOING NOW.  AND SORRY ABOUT THE COFFEE TABLE."






 








14 comments:

Joe Formerlyof Brooklyn said...


Is there gonna be an intervention about the resting of both Gleyber and Gary Sat. night -- same game -- with each of them having hit HRs in each of the previous 3 games?

I know there is no such a thing as "clutch" -- but is there no such a thing as "hot as a mother-----r"....???

Gary was on one heck of a hot streak at the plate. Gleyber is 22 years old (needs rest?) -- and made a great play in the field on Friday, as well as hitting his 3rd HR in 3 games.

When I saw the Sat. night line-up, I thought -- WTF? Sure, the NYYs won, but it appeared they were trying to NOT win.

I'm sure the Boone family can handle this one, too --

But -- this intervention should also involve the guy from Game Of Thrones who chopped off Ned Stark's head.

Parson Tom said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Parson Tom said...

Nice idea, this intervention. We also need a Joe Torre exorcism or Ottavino, Britton and Chapman are going to reach October looking like Scott Proctor and Tanyon Sturtze, as in worse than useless. Maybe Mean Chad could be deployed as a starter or allowed to work more than two innings a week. And Sevy to the bullpen, although I'm guessing 2019 is a total write-off for both him and Betances -- other than the four or five appearances each of them will make to prove that they have nothing to offer.

TheWinWarblist said...

Hoss, you have me chills. But not always the good kind.




Fuck you Hal.

TheWinWarblist said...

What happened to the coffee table?

Anonymous said...

Well done sir.

Doug K.

Local Bargain Jerk said...


Best parts of an enjoyable game:

1) Stanton contributing.

2) Romine's home run.

3) Voit's diving grab and then backhand flip to a right-on-the-spot Tanaka for an impressive out.

4) Hinch's reply, when asked (ridiculously) during an in-game, mid-inning interview if he had any advice for Aaron Boone: "Wait. Are you asking me to give advice to Boone? My advice is that he should rest Judge tomorrow." Great, great reply.


Worst parts of an enjoyable game.

1) Holder.


JM said...

Poor holder.

Cut 'im.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Or...and I know this is a novel thought...send him down. Since he still has an option (or options).

Yeah, yeah, I know: even relievers—especially relievers—have bad streaks. But c'mon. Let him work it out down there.

The Yanks NEVER seem to learn from experience. Who was the guy last year, Chasen Shreve?

Pitchers they went with way, way too long:

2017: Tyler Clippard. 2018: Chasen Shreve. 2019: Jonathan Holder and Luis Cessa.

Hitters they went with way, way too long:

2014: Brian Roberts. 2015: Stephen Drew (and Chase Headley). 2016: MMark Teixeira (and Chase Headley) 2017: Chris Carter (and Chase Headley). 2018: Neil Walker. 2019: ???

HoraceClarke66 said...

Thanks for the kudos, Doug. And Warbler...well, what DOES happen to the coffee table when you have 25-50 million people over? It's not pretty.

Unknown said...

Funny post!

Local Bargain Jerk said...


HC66, I forgot to mention the obvious: GREAT POST. Fun.

Joe of AZ said...

Fuck Holder

Guy is utterly worthless the sooner Mr roge...err Boone realizes it the better

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