Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Poor Redsock fans now mourning constant championships

New Englanders are whining about the loss of loserhood: "I have an 8-year-old and a 5-year-old. I wonder if they’re ever going to know what it was really like."

This is terrible. How can God inflict such horrible suffering on His children?

For so many years, they were the self-appointed Chosen Few, united in pain, forged in humiliation, the Lost Tribe of Pumpsie Green. Now, OMG! Every day, every minute, they must cope with the cold tendrils of victory tightening around their loss-starved testicles. Boston should change its name to the City of Job. It's just not fair! As the poor guy says, what will they tell the children?

Yeesh. These people probably whine during phone sex. They would fight over a chance to get lice. They should build a statue of Bill Buckner to honor the glory days. They must look at Kansas City and say, "God, it must be wonderful to live there."

If there was ever a reason to root for Eli Manning this Sunday, now we have it: So these poor, boil-faced souls can get back on their knees and suffer in delight. Tom Brady is threatening the Class of 2016.

UPDATE BEFORE GOING TO WORK: Upon second read, there is a WORSE quote in that Times story: "Now we don’t have a great enemy to point to — New York, we’ve become them.”

For starters, after the Redsocks win 20 more World Championships, they'll become us. By the time that happens, the city of New England will be underwater, and Mitt Schilling will be governor of Massachusetts. Right now, they're Sally Field accepting the Oscar. They are Britney Spears, marveling at the birthday gifts she's receiving from her personal assistants. They are an oversized version of Utica, New York, on ecstacy.

1 comment:

Stang said...

I don't know, I like letting them think they've become New York. Because they really hate that.