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Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Scientists Find New Hope For Clemens, Mussina, Cheneys

Special to IT IS HIGH from Science Correspondent MONS MEG


Two Brit researchers have confirmed our worst fears, assuming that Jacoby Ellsbury in a Redsock uniform isn’t scary enough: As ugly as middle age is to see, it’s worse to undergo.

Yes, the famous team of Blanchflower and Oswald, writing in Social Science & Medicine, say that despite Viagra, facelifts and bras with suspension bridge engineering, “mental distress tends to reach a maximum in middle age.”

They studied 2 million people. Guess what they found: Middle aged slobs are utterly effing unbearable, not only to everybody else, but to themselves.
How does anybody survive it? Here are Branchflower & Oswald’s hypotheses, translated for you by our correspondent:

BRANCHFLOWER & OSWALD:One possibility is that individuals learn to adapt to their strengths and weaknesses, and in mid-life quell their infeasible aspirations.”

MONS MEG:WTF? Forget about being a rock star or, for that matter, being anything, you flat-out loser. Asphyxiate your dreams, and you feel much better.”
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BRANCHFLOWER & OSWALD: “Cheerful people live systematically longer than the miserable, for reasons not currently understood, and that the well-being U-shape in age thus traces out in part a selection effect.”

MONS MEG: “WTF? Miserable people die of misery. Got it? WHAT'S LEFT ARE CHEERLEADERS AND MEMBERS OF DOOR-TO-DOOR RELIGIONS.”
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BRANCHFLOWER & OSWALD: “A kind of comparison process is at work: 'I have seen school-friends die and come eventually to value my blessings during my remaining years.'”

MONS MEG: “WTF? Turning40 sucks, OK? And 45 is worse. The alternative sucks most of all.”
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BRANCHFLOWER & OSWALD: “It seems desirable that future work aim to understand the roots of the U-shaped pattern.”

MONS MEG: “This comes through loud and clear. We need more grant money.”

On the bright side, the scientists say healthy 70somethings will return to the happiness of their 20s.

On the real side, anybody who truly remembers their 20s can only shudder.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

A you lousy yankee groupie, the tam ur rooting for is going to be 2nd banana in AL East this year and for the rest of your lifetime..

With Ellsbury and ROY Dusting setting the table for the big guys your 2 kids would wet their jammies at the Fens-- its going to be high its going to be wicked fun year for the Sox kicking some Yankee arse