Sunday, January 27, 2008

Yankeetorial: Where is he?

Fugitive Chuck Knoblauch continues to haunt the first-base box seats of our nightmares.

For the fourth day, the U.S. government is scouring the landscape, seeking the hair-jelled zephyr once known as "Knobby," (pictured right) in hopes of forcing him to testify against his friends in the nation's campaign against top-secret muscle-building potions.

He has vanished like the bases he once stole.

Somewhere out there, Knobby is watching us, toying with us, laughing at us -- as the most advanced domestic surveillance force in world history plods helplessly along on his carefully covered trail.
Where are the cool wiretaps we were promised? Where are the sky satellites? Why wasn't someone reading his emails, and following two cars behind his every trip to the corner store for cigarettes? Did we not have fresh DNA? Did we not have an infiltrator within his midst?

What happened to Homeland Security?

Each day, Knobby grows stronger, more confident, more strident... more dangerous.

And our national sense of pride grows weaker, as recent stock market fluctuations have revealed.

Chuck Knoblauch has become to the Bush administration what Britney Spears long ago became to fishnet stockings: A stomach-turning embarrassment, revealing that a once proud network of core support has withered into a torn, fibrous illusion, designed only to conceal images we prefer not to see.

He is out there. He's plotting. He's sneering. And make no mistake: The war on performance enhancing drugs will not be won until Knobby is in custody and telling the world what we want to hear: The terrified yelps of another ex-jock invoking the Fifth Amemdment.


Anonymous said...

From my vantage point, Section 8, in the trash bin of the Port Authority men's room, I can say he has not been through here. That Larry Craig may have been right though as I have observed a lot of wide stances.

Anonymous said...

The most recent intelligence reports indicate Knobby is taking refuge in the tribal areas along the Afghanistan-Pakistan border. Our best chance to get him was during the Battle of Tora Bora. Unfortunately, Knobby somehow escaped. Thankfully, Republican Presidential front-runner John McCain has promised to follow Knobby to the gates of hell. Trust me. It's only a matter of time until we get Knobby.

Anonymous said...

He's probably reading this blog, so we should ebay arefulcay hatway eway aysay.

Stang said...

On Saturday, Christian Brando texted me: KNOW KNOB'S LOCUS. TALK IN PERSON.

When I got to our meeting place, he was dead.

Anonymous said...

He's probably just off on a harmless fishing trip with a pal. He'll come home tomorrow, find the note left for him by the FBI, and run to clear up the misunderstanding. Some federal marshall is going to get 30 pounds of fine venison steak for this. And no one will be more embarrassed than Chuck.

BernBabyBern said...


You called Mary Kate as soon as you saw he was unresponsive, right?

Anonymous said...

He's the new editor of Wizard, according to Rich Johnston

Anonymous said...

As soon as he gets his $600 economic stimulus check from the Govt. , they'll have him.

Knobby took the wrong 'roids , if he allegedly ever indulged.

His right arm got so strong he couldn't co-ordinate with his fingers.

Try throwing to first when your right arm ( above the wrist ) is bench pressing 300 and your fingers are playing the banjo or peeling a plum.

- Tino Martinez