Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Has the Maxim 100 Whipped Derek Jeter?

Jeet, Jeet, Jeet, what are we gonna do with you?

Last night, you got thrown out at third, picked off second and you whiffed trying to bunt a runner over. Your average is down to .286, and you turn 34 next month.

It started when when you hit your No. 7 (Mickey Mantle curse?) on the Maxim 100 Honeybucket List: The “Friday Night Lights” high school cheerleader, Minka Kelly.

Jeet... are we in a Jessica Simpson/Tony Romo situation?
A Brady/Giselle? A Bill/Monica?

OK, look… whatever.
In our eyes, you’re gold. You’re a Made Yankee. You’re Captain. You walk out there tomorrow and piss on second base, we testify in court it was on fire. You got an Edge. (Product endorsement. We are on your side, amigo.)

But, Jeet, you gotta watch out here.

Springsteen had his Julianna Phillips phase. He recorded “Tunnel of Love.” Can you name one song on the “Tunnell of Love” album... aside from “Tunnel of Love?”

Lennon had Yoko. End of story. Sir Paul McCartney married the crazy Stump Lady, the one who poured water on the divorce attorney, after taking Paul to the cleaners. She claimed he made fun of her wooden leg. Frankly, we hope he did.
A poem here, to get the message across...
Sir Paul, Sir Paul, with great remorse,
We read accounts of your divorce,
How Heather Mills, with foul disdain,
Did swear your actions caused her pain.

She claimed you swung a glass about,
And drank too much and cussed her out.
But one charged left all others vague:

Sir Paul, you never seemed a grump,
But did you sing, “Here Comes the Stump?”
And you’d be Britain’s cruelest schemer,
If playing, “Maxwell’s Silver Femur.”

Pledge to us, we hereby beg:
You never called her “Polythene Peg.”
And when you said you were the Walrus,
You didn’t add that she was paw-less.

No matter how she played the role,
You didn’t dub her “Rubber Soul.”
And think of how bad she would feel
To hear, “I Wanna Hold Your Heel.”

Sir Paul, no matter what she’ll say,
We still believe in yesterday.
But in a war of he and she,
Some words of wisdom: Let It Be.

Jeet, Jeet, Jeet... love happens. End of story. But for God's sake, get a grip.
You dodged a bullet when Mariah Carey made “Glitz” and took up professional cheeseburgering.
This TV Panther cheerleader? She's got "Tunnel of Love" written all over her.

Jeet, Jeet, Jeet... Whatever makes you happy, we're good.
Just don't be day-dreaming, thinking of third-and-long, while leading off second base.

1 comment:

Andrew Fletcher said...

Brilliant, as per usual.