Monday, October 20, 2008

Hooking up with the Cowboys? Yeesh. Maybe we ARE the Evil Empire

This is bad.

This is very bad.

We just hopped in bed with Mephistophiles, which is worse than hopping in bed with Madonna in her $1,000 cream-filled plastic slumber suit.

We have entered into a "Legends" entertainment deal with... the Dallas Cowboys.

Oh, God. Why? WHY, GOD, WHY!

The Cowboys are professional sports' most obnoxious team, with the most obnoxious players, in the most obnoxious city in the most obnoxious state.

The Cowboys are evangelical, rubber-titted cheerleaders doing soft core porno doll routines at 50th birthday parties for 300-pound, pedophilic oil tycoons named Junior.

The Cowboys are HGH-injected rapists suckled by a meglamaniac billionaire whose face has known more plastic surgeons than the entire cast of Gilmore Girls.

The Cowboys are phony country-western stars who sing racially coded songs and sloganize wars they don't have the guts to fight, because at the end of the day, they are pampered pussy Hollywood hypocrites -- no, they're worse, because for all the tough talk, they are fundamentally cowards.

The Cowboys are Jessica Simpson leading the all-white Karl Rove Church of Christ choir in "The Battle Hymn of the Republic," while Alberto Gonzalez stands at the front door, selling $1,000 a plate dinner tickets to flag-wrapped Bush Rangers who pay no taxes because they moved their operations off-shore.

The Cowboys are mortal enemies to the Giants, the New York Giants, the 2008 Super Bowl champions, the Yankees' traditonal football counterparts, the Giants, the Giants, THE GIANTS, NOT THE COWBOYS.

What in the name of Pacman Jones are the Yankees thinking?

I can't believe this.

They tear down the House That Ruth Built, triple the costs of game tickets, turn over the future of the team to the guy who's going to hop into bed with Madonna and her $1,000 cream-filled plastic jammies, and now they announce to the world how proud they are to enter into an agreement with the most evil team in pro sports, and certainly the most reviled pro football team that any New York fan can imagine.

Is George Steinbrenner brain dead? I'm sorry, folks, because it's not fashionable to attack somebody whose brain may have the electrical output of a bowl of Fruit Loops, but for this fiasco, somebody needs to get a grand slam into his centerfield monuments.

Do they not care what their fans think? Is that it?

This is horrible. This is rotten.

The Dallas Cowboys and the New York Yankees... partners.

I would puke, but I'm too nauseous.

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