The Yankees' Zeroes Brigade might be the most promising aspect of Spring Training, and why Redsock fans are bio-terrorists

Before tromping too far into the weeds, let's note the obvious: Spring training stats mean nothing... nada, zilch, moogah, skleeg...yes... seriously unmitigated skleeg.

Case in point: Last spring, when it didn't matter, DJ LeMahieu hit .205. Yep. You can look it up. He did skleeg. Meanwhile, Greg Bird - our annual King of Spring - batted a crisp .333. (Fun fact: This spring, playing for the Texas Rangers, Birdie is 0-13 with 4 strikeouts. Clearly, he's on the verge of a breakout year.) 

Before tackling the chart on the right, let's ponder an amazing, mind-blowing concept, known to big-time mathematicians as "Small Sample Size." It's pretty complicated, so I won't even try to explain. Most of you wouldn't get it. "SSS," as it's known in the biz, is sort of like a cross between string theory and the way they inject peanut butter into those tiny pretzels. Let's just say that, because of "SSS," the above stats are meaningless... unless, that is, they aren't. 

That said, I want to note the most positive development in Tampa since the Dali Museum opened its exhibit of Augmented Reality: The wave of young arms that lists between 15 and forever on the Yankee depth chart. The above list shows all the Yankees who have yet to give up a run this spring. It's a masterworks of pure, unmitigated "SSS," but I've found that it helps me pass gas. 

Some - like Luis Cessa, now 28 - seem to have been around since the dawn of time. (It's worth remembering, at times, that Cessa was the brighter prospect in the 2015 trade that sent Justin Wilson to Detroit for him and Mean Chad Green.) Do we dare hope that the Yankees' insane loyalty to Cessa - if he had options, he'd have spent most of last year in Scranton - will pay off? Baseball is full of pitchers who figure it out around age 30. Is he another J.A. Happ?

Others, like 25-year-old Brian Keller - a 39th round pick in 2016 who busted through three levels last year, finishing in Scranton - might make an impression that warrants a call-up in May or June. 

Then there is Dan Otero, 35-years-old, who would be attempting a comeback, if he ever did enough to come back to. Could he be one of those guys who get by on guile? 

But right now, the battle for the rotation's fourth and fifth slots seems to be between Cessa, Jordan Montgomery and Jonathan Loaisiga, the man of a thousand misspellings. (I'm leaving out Deivi Garcia, because I don't believe the Yankees would subject the 20-year-old to such early season pressures; they'll let him get his bearings in Scranton.) And I am delighted - rejoicing! - to report that none has yet surrendered a run. Loaisiga, in particular, has thrown three perfect innings, striking out five of the nine batters he's faced. Montgomery has struck out seven of his 14 hitters.

Listen, none of this amounts to skleeg. But we have a tendency here to dwell upon the storm clouds - it's been 10 years since the last parade - even when rain is good for the hemp crops. So, today, with the coronavirus hanging over all of us, I want to leave you with these positive thoughts:

1. We have an abundance of young pitchers. It's not a mirage. It's not YES propaganda. It's real.

2. Nobody in our infield has been hurt yet.

3. The Redsocks new best player, Xander Bogaerts, has an ankle injury and might miss opening day. Yes, Virginia, the juju gods are tweaking other teams.

4. We still have the coolest fan base - as always evidenced by your comments -  and by this gem (from Reddit):