Thursday, April 24, 2008

Outtakes from the Stubby interview

OK, so Hank's comments that it's "idiotic" that Joba isn't in the starting rotation right now, innings limits be damned, got all the press, but Stubby said some other things that got lost in the shuffle. As a public service, IIHIIFIIc now presents excerpts from the rest of the interview.

"Why the hell is it three strikes for an out, but four balls for a walk? How fair is that? I'm not sure what moron made that rule, but I'm on the horn to Selig ASAP to talk to him about that. Make it 3-and-3 or 4-and-4. That's smart. That's fair. I'm a patient man, I know we can't change it in the middle of a season, but mark my words, that rule ain't gonna be in the books next year."

"Another thing that pisses me off. You ever notice the bases? Check it out - first, second and third bases are all square, but home's got, like, five sides or something like that. What pea-brain is behind that? I mean, that's just sloppy. Shit, someone needs to pay attention to detail in this league - is it just me, or is everyone incompetent in this game? I guarantee we'll get that fixed before than All-Star Game. We're not going to look stupid here."

"I ain't all that impressed with this Pope guy. I flew back to New York to see what all the hubbub was when he came, and I ran into him in a hallway at the stadium and said, 'Hey Benny, what's up? Should Joba be a set-up guy or a starter?,' and he looked at me like he didn't know what I was talking about. I mean, you visit someone, you learn a little about their interests. That's just basic fucking politeness there. What a jerk."

"Why are there nine guys on defense, instead of a nice, round number like 10? I saw this slow-pitch softball game, and they had four outfielders per team, for a total of 10 guys on the field. See, someone was thinking there. That's the way to do things. People like round numbers. Whatever shit-for-brains came up with the idea for nine guys on a side wouldn't last long in my organization, that's for sure."

"I just bought some of that ProCede stuff. I bet it's good shit. I mean, Giuseppe Franco wouldn't put his name on the line for something that doesn't work."


michael kei said...

Did Stubby order his ProCede, or go to Franco's salon and pay $600?

Anonymous said...


- "And who's idea was it to let the pitcher bat? Honestly, you'd have to be an idiot to think (Hal whispers in Hanks ear).....oh, thats the Mets. Well the Mets are morons, carry on.."

- "...And why cant we use metal bats? Seriously!"

Reporter: "Because a major league hitter like say, Arod, would hit the ball out of the stadium."

"....huh. Well then as boss Id make him go get it!"

Reporter: *WTF?*

- "Why the hell havent we given Arod a nickname? I mean back in the day guys like Ruth and DiMaggio had great nicknames that everyone loved. It helped recognize the player with the fans. I think we need to get back to that!"

Reporter: "Arod IS a nickname, derived from Alex Rodriquez."

"Well thats stupid. Im changing it. Now his nickname is AlexR."

- "What dumbass made the foul pole so high? Im going to get me a hack saw and cut those things in half."

- "New Yankee Stadium will have a pitchers mound at EXACTLY 60 inches. Fuck that extra 6" bullshit."

Anonymous said...

Addendum to Stubby:

Did you know that his eminence pees sitting down?

Otherwise, that long dress would get all ruffled.

I think baseball is referred to in the Vatican as , " the devil's game." That's why he knows nothing about Joba.

It is rumored, however, that Pope Benny likes the little league game a lot.

Sounds like a disconnect, no?

Anonymous said...

Mussina: Nice and comfy in his "senior statesman" role as mentor to Hughes and Kennedy.

Hank targets the ego-driven princess by comparing him to Moyer.

Mussina gets pissed off and pitches a gem.

Oldest trick in the book...but that's why it's in the book: Bravo, Hank.