Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Time to Clean House?

Back in the Golden Days, Papa Boss wouldn't hesitate to spin cycle a few young players who aren't cutting the Guldens. Considering that today, the sportswriters turned on Phil Hughes and Ian Kennedy (and they are, after all, the final arbiters), let's look at some hot deals that could turn this gas-guzzling '08 Minivan around!

Trade: Phil Hughes to Whitesox for Paul Konerko.

Kony has 5 HR, and it sure would be great to see him in the line-up, protecting Giambi. He'd give us a fifth 1B off the bench in tight games. He's only batting .229, so he'd come cheap. You can never have too many DHs. Last night, we had to bat Melky for that rent-a-catcher, Chris Somethingorthother, and he could only draw a walk. Kony could have hit a HR, bringing us within two.

Trade: Ian Kennedy to Cubs for Jon Leiber.

Everybody's thinking: What? The Cubs would give up Leiber? His ERA is under 3! But we could probably get this 38-year-old steamboat, who would settle our rotation in the spirit of Rick Rhoden. He's been battle-tested in New York, and he could be positioned for a breakout year.

Trade: Joba Chamberlain for Roy Oswalt and Shawn Chacon.

Yes, you're thinking, the Astros would be crazy to give up Chacon! His ERA is 2.45! He's among the league-leaders. And Roy Oswalt, too? You must be smoking some of that Ken Phelps weed! Well, Oswalt is tanking right now. His ERA is over 6. It would be hard to see Joba go, but let's just imagine Oswalt in Pinstripes and Shawn going the entire season with a 2.45 ERA. He'd win 25!

Trade: Melky to Milwaukee for Jeff Suppan.

We'd be on top of the world with Suppan, who is only 33! Yup. I bet you thought he was at least 38. Only 33. For that reason alone, he's practically a hot prospect. He's got a solid ERA of 3.48, and we could add him to the rotation without skipping a beat. It would also solve our overcrowding problem in the outfield.

Trade: Austin Jackson, Jesus Montero, Dellin Betances, Alan Horne and a couple others for Benji Molina.

Let's corner the market on Molinas! The guy is having a breakout season at age 34. He's batting .301! With him in the line-up, we can rest Jorge. And those kids? Forget them. They'd get off to a bad start, the writers would eat them up, and we'd end up getting less in trades.

Wait... do we have anybody left over to get Melvin Mora? Carlos Delgatto?

Could we trade for Randy Johnson again? That always works, doesn't it?


Bostowned said...

...aannndddd your fired.

Anonymous said...

As long as we don't trade Jesus, we'll be saved.

All the others are just more wasted picks.

michael kei said...

Let's gobble up all the Molinas and Cabreras we can get. Then we can be a family team.