Aaron Judge's homer hang time reminds us of baseball's secret sexuality... and the need for John Sterling

Last night - in a blow-out victory, with nothing better to do - the YES techno-nerds decided to measure the exact time it took for Aaron Judge's home run to land in Camden Yards' left field bleachers: 6.6 seconds.

Replays showed an astonishingly high blast that floated lazily into the atmosphere until running out of space, several empty rows beyond the fence. It prompted a rare sports reference from Michael Kay: If you had "Recall Oakland Raider punter Ray Guy" on your YES Broadcast Bingo card, you won the patio furniture. 

Left unsaid was the raw sexual meaning of Judge's clout. 

Among top scientists, it's well known that a key reason for baseball's early popularity was its connection between home runs and the male orgasm. 

Studies have shown the time it takes for a home run to leave the park equals the exact duration of the male orgasm. This extends back to the era without fences, when barefoot outfielders chased balls into creeks and cow pastures, extending the pleasure beyond our modern capabilities to withstand. And it shows why every baseball announcer develops a signature home run call: It's his or her greatest moment of pleasure, re-lived. 

Yes, Abner Doubleday knew what he was doing.

Today, many laser line drives HRs - the kind given up by, say, an overworked Scott Proctor - leave the field so quickly that hitters and fans barely feel relief. (And Kay's homer call reveals a sad, tormented, one-dimensional character; imagine him yelling to his wife, "SEE YA!" Horrible.) 

But imagine the satisfaction provided last night by Judge's mighty member - er - timber. Nearly seven seconds of blissful gratification! 

Kay was ecstatic. On the video replay, he actually counted off the seconds, from one to six-point-six, voice rising with each number. After the game, he surely needed an ice bath. 

Which brings up the real reason for this issue: 

Last night, The Master missed another game due to illness. (He tested negatively to COVID, but we definitely must worry.) 

By now, you surely recognize that the home run duration measurement corresponds to another element of the Yankiverse: the John Sterling WinWarble.

Historically, John's final shout - "Ballgame over, Yankees win, Thuuuuh Yankees winnnnn..." - runs between five and six seconds - timed precisely to the explosion within each Yankee fan's loins. (A few WinWarbles have gone past seven seconds, leaving us barely functioning for the next day.) 

And of course, there is nothing more damning than The Master re-enacting the title of this blog - the most painful moment known within the Yankiverse. Thus far, I don't believe it has happened in 2020. But let's hope John feels better. One day soon, he needs to manage.