Thursday, July 30, 2020

Aaron Judge's homer hang time reminds us of baseball's secret sexuality... and the need for John Sterling

Last night - in a blow-out victory, with nothing better to do - the YES techno-nerds decided to measure the exact time it took for Aaron Judge's home run to land in Camden Yards' left field bleachers: 6.6 seconds.

Replays showed an astonishingly high blast that floated lazily into the atmosphere until running out of space, several empty rows beyond the fence. It prompted a rare sports reference from Michael Kay: If you had "Recall Oakland Raider punter Ray Guy" on your YES Broadcast Bingo card, you won the patio furniture. 

Left unsaid was the raw sexual meaning of Judge's clout. 

Among top scientists, it's well known that a key reason for baseball's early popularity was its connection between home runs and the male orgasm. 

Studies have shown the time it takes for a home run to leave the park equals the exact duration of the male orgasm. This extends back to the era without fences, when barefoot outfielders chased balls into creeks and cow pastures, extending the pleasure beyond our modern capabilities to withstand. And it shows why every baseball announcer develops a signature home run call: It's his or her greatest moment of pleasure, re-lived. 

Yes, Abner Doubleday knew what he was doing.

Today, many laser line drives HRs - the kind given up by, say, an overworked Scott Proctor - leave the field so quickly that hitters and fans barely feel relief. (And Kay's homer call reveals a sad, tormented, one-dimensional character; imagine him yelling to his wife, "SEE YA!" Horrible.) 

But imagine the satisfaction provided last night by Judge's mighty member - er - timber. Nearly seven seconds of blissful gratification! 

Kay was ecstatic. On the video replay, he actually counted off the seconds, from one to six-point-six, voice rising with each number. After the game, he surely needed an ice bath. 

Which brings up the real reason for this issue: 

Last night, The Master missed another game due to illness. (He tested negatively to COVID, but we definitely must worry.) 

By now, you surely recognize that the home run duration measurement corresponds to another element of the Yankiverse: the John Sterling WinWarble.

Historically, John's final shout - "Ballgame over, Yankees win, Thuuuuh Yankees winnnnn..." - runs between five and six seconds - timed precisely to the explosion within each Yankee fan's loins. (A few WinWarbles have gone past seven seconds, leaving us barely functioning for the next day.) 

And of course, there is nothing more damning than The Master re-enacting the title of this blog - the most painful moment known within the Yankiverse. Thus far, I don't believe it has happened in 2020. But let's hope John feels better. One day soon, he needs to manage.


TheWinWarblist said...

Wow, this was an eyeopener.

The ... the? ... ThuuuUhUhUh Yankees win!!!


Fuck you Hal.

JM said...

This is all kind of creepy. Especially mentally attaching Sterling to orgasms, which will destroy what was left of my sex life completely.

Thanks a lot, Duque.

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

So when it is high, it is far, and it is caught... the glove is really a symbol for a condom... and “be careful you might get her pregnant” is why it’s a warning track... playing the back of you mind... as you do the most dangerous maneuver..: the bare catch. Got it.

TheWinWarblist said...

Beauregard, we could have done very nicely without the extended conceit, thank you very much sir!

Fuck you Hal.

Anonymous said...

Did anyone hear what exactly was the reason given for Sterling's absence? I tuned in just before the start of the game and Suzyn did not say why he was out. I hope it's not covid.

The Hammer of God

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

Nah nah, once a topic is brought up it must be fully and completely discussed so as to prevent it from being brought up again.

M. Rivers said...

I hear that women are partial to the inside-the-park round-trippers.

13bit said...

The detailed image - now in my mind forever - of Michael Kay screaming "SEE YA" while experiencing his climactic moment in bed with his wife - shit, Duque, that messed up my day...not sure if it's in a good or a bad way yet....

DickAllen said...

Let the Countdown begin:

Who will get the first hit?

Gardner and Sanchez are a combined 0 for 23 with 15 Ks.

Thought to be fair, Gardner has walked. I'm sure it was unintentional.

Who will get the first hit? The excitement is killing me.

DickAllen said...

Or, to add to the sexual innuendo, who will get to first base first?

Anonymous said...

Some thoughts on yesterday's game.

1) Gardner looks over matched. Since Hicks and Tauchman can both play center there really is no need for this guy on the team. Especially as Red Thunder sits alone in a motel room.

2) Sanchez looks like... Sanchez.

3) DJ is officially my favorite Yankee. My first since Matsui. The guy is such a pleasure to watch.

4) I love that Cole takes every bad pitch personally. Great to have a guy like that.

Doug K.

Anonymous said...

Gardner (aka "The Heart & Soul of the Yankees") is still in playoff mode--career .145AVG/.206OBP with 2HR and 48SO.

Suzyn's Bitch said...

This might be my fave IIH, IIF, II... C post EVER! El Duque at his junior high finest!

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