Thursday, July 9, 2020

Virtual Baseball: Court Is In Session! Judge Belts One for the Ages! Also, Satan Appears.

In a virtual barnburner at Yankee Stadium tonight, the Virtual Pinstripers swept the Mets in their first series of the year, thanks to an Aaron Judge, pinch-hit home run of Mantlian proportions—a homeric blast in the bottom of the 10th inning that smashed the Armitron clock atop the scoreboard in left field, giving the Yanks a 7-6 victory.

The game had been full of what used to be called "ding-dong" action before that—including a frightening batted ball by Robinson Cano that struck Yanks starter Masahirto Tanaka flush in the temple.  Cano, who had spent the previous evening getting on everyone's last nerve, was immediately swarmed by the young, doll-like women from Tanaka's favorite idol group, Momoiro Clover Z, along with their 75 back-up singers and dancers.

"It was like, like being attacked by dozens of beautiful butterflies," a dazed Jogginson said afterwards.

By the time security was able to restore order, Tanaka could walk off the field under his own power.  He is expected to miss at least one start, but otherwise seems to have avoided any more serious injury.

Even before the line drive, though, the pitcher had looked wobbly, giving up two long home runs to Polar Bear Alonso, and trailing 5-2 in the top of the fifth inning.  The Yanks were able to cut that lead to 5-4 against Long Island's own Marcus Stroman in the eighth, thanks to a two-run shot by Miguel Andujar—only to see a Dominic Smith blast off reliever Chad Green give the Metsies a 6-4 cushion headed into the bottom of the ninth.

Once again, the Bombers rallied, this time on a solo shot by Mike Tauchman, and a run-scoring single by The Ubiquitous LeMaheu.  This time, though, Zach(k) Britton surrendered a another long home run to Wilson Ramos in the tenth.

On to the bottom of the tenth, with Mike Ford on first thanks to a walk and two outs.  Manager Ma Boone—who had intended to rest Judge for the night after his return, "golden sombrero" outing yesterday—instead sent the big, bleeding man in to hit for catcher Kyle Higashioka.  It was a hunch that paid off, as Judge missed the first two offerings from reliever Edwin Diaz, then wasted a waste pitch that was a little too wasted, smashing the Armitron clock for a game-winning, two run blast.

The destruction of the clock face revealed the presence of two small children, approximately five years of age, who were being used to move the clock hands forward.

"Wow, how'd they get there?" wondered Yankees owner Hal Steinbrenner.

The New York State attorney general's office announced that it is looking into whether or not to charge the Yankees with child labor law violations.

One other note of concern for Yankee fans was that Judge continued to bleed openly from his rib cage and through his uniform as he rounded the bases to a wild, standing ovation.  Afterwards, the Yanks crack medical team said they were still baffled by this development, and admitted that, "We had the last x-rays upside down."

Judge said that he was icing the suppurating wound, and should be ready to go for the Yanks next game on Saturday.

Also, rumors that the Mets are about to be sold to Jeff Bezos and Amazon continued to swirl, thanks to Bezos' dramatic, helicopter entrance tonight.  Bezos' chopper put down in Macombs Dam Park, scattering the loose leaves and playing children there, after which the Amazon potentate and his entourage made their way over to Pangolin House, the new restaurant installed in the black hole of the Stadium's centerfield.

Bezos had bought out the entire restaurant, which features innovative, forest-to-table cuisine from the Chinese interior, for his private party, which included Mets owners Fred and Fredo Wilpon.  Reportedly, the deal has stalled on the Wilpons' insistence that Fredo remain in charge of the team until it wins the World Series.

According to inside sources, Mr. Bezos responded by laughing darkly.



JM said...

Bleeding Rib Cage is a good nickname. BRC.

I laughed out loud at the doctors looking at the X-ray upside down.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Thanks, JM!

Just stealing from The Natural, movie version. Which stole from Jim Creighton and Bama Rowell. It's the great cycle of art!

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