Sunday, July 12, 2020

Virtual Baseball: It's a Name Game, as Texas Squeaks Past Yanks. Outfielders Start to Topple.

It was a long day's virtual journey into night, as the Texas Rangers Two-Steps and the Yanks managed to squeeze in a single game amidst the torrents.   And though it was 7/11, all the luck went with the visitors, as they squeaked out a 3-2 victory at the water-logged Stadium today.

Just prior to the contest, Texas announced that it was changing its team nickname from "Rangers" to "Two-Steps," as in recent years the latest scholarly research has determined that the old Texas Rangers were not so much a law enforcement group as a thieving, conniving bunch of hoodlums and shakedown artists, who spent most of their time murdering Indians and other people of color.

This marks the second team this year to change its name from something politically incorrect.  The Cleveland Indians decided previously to revert to the team's old nickname of "Napoleons," although Americans of French descent and pastry chefs everywhere have been lobbying furiously not to be associated with Cleveland.

It was names all the way, though, as not only did the new moniker seem to spur on the Lone Star team, but so did several of its more outlandishly named players.  James Paxton had been breezing along with an early, 2-0 lead, on home runs by Miguel Andujar and Gary Sanchez, when further downpours delayed the match for more than an hour.

On resuming play, the Big Maple determined that he too overwhelmed by the fantods to continue.  The Two-Steps then stomped all over the toes of Jordan Montgomery.  Catcher Isiah Kiner-Falefa Withaporkchop singled in one run, and third baseman Josh Jung drove in another.

Just about the time the sun was finally setting into "Manhattanhedge" around New York, de-thawed Viking warrior Rougned Odor homered off Adam Ottavino, to dance the Two-Steps home.  Pitcher Austen Biben-Dirkx, entering the game after the precipitation hesitation, got the win, though damned if anybody in the press box could write it.

"What do you expect, with names like that?  We never had a chance!" conceded manager Ma Boone.

Meanwhile, the Yankees clubhouse remained in a fugue state today, following the team's decision to release Brett Gardner, and his subsequent signing with the Metsies.  GM Brian Cashman, however, dismissed any notion that Gardy might be needed down the stretch.

"Look, we got the big guy, Judge, back!" scoffed Cashman, or at least so reporters believed he said through his patented, Eagle Protection Headgear.  "Plus the other Aaron, that little weasel Frazier, Tauchman, Miggy, and surely Stanton will be back soon, wherever he is.  You tell me:  where do we fit Gardy?"

Warming up on the wet, slick Stadium field today, though, Aaron "the Oft-Injured" Hicks slipped and pulled a muscle in his thigh.  Yankees trainers assured reporters that it was only a minor pull, and that Hicks would miss at most a day or two.

But Clint Frazier's plantar fasciitis forced his removal from the game, and Aaron Judge reported a strange, burning sensation in his right heel, one that limited him to DHing.  By the ninth inning, Thairo Estrada was playing left field.

"That's all right," Boone reassured reporters after the slushy, seven-hour game.  "We can always call up Estevan Florial again.  Did I ever tell you about his ceiling...?"



JM said...

"The Cleveland Indians decided previously to revert to the team's old nickname of "Napoleons," although Americans of French descent and pastry chefs everywhere have been lobbying furiously not to be associated with Cleveland."

I laughed til I cried.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Thanks, JM!

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