Virtual Baseball: People All Over the Bronx Join a Cole Train. Miscreants Held at Secret Location (Hint: Rhymes with 'My Ray Band.')

In virtual baseball tonight, people over the Bronx joined the Cole Train, Cole Train, as the Yanks' new free agent ace tied for the league lead with his second complete game of the season, besting Eduardo Rodriguez and the Red Sox, 2-1.

Cole struck out 12, and was generally dominant, surrendering only a solo home run to Rafael "Danny" Devers.  This was matched by an Aaron Judge roundtripper, going into the ninth inning.

There, Cole ran into some trouble for the first time, but Manager Ma Boone left him in to fan Andrew "Babe" Benitendi, as people all over the Stadium joined hands and chanted at the Babe, "I feel sorry, sorry for you!"

In the bottom of the ninth, Giancarlo Stanton flashed his new, all-around game again, scoring D.J. LeMahieu from third with a "Baltimore chop."  He thus became the first Yankee to execute the play since Wee Willie Keeler.  MLB Commissioner Rob Manfredmann called the MLB Rules Committee into emergency session, to consider how baseball was to survive into the future with so many unexpected occurrences.

Meanwhile, the brawling band of Cracker Jack fanatics arrested by the Stadium Force last night for disrupting the Yankees-Popladores game were reportedly being held at an undisclosed location, one that authorities would only say rhymed with "Sty Gay Gland."

Carl J. Weitz, attorney for the miscreants, attempted to bail them out today, but was told by Stadium Force Generalissimo Chad Wolfmanjack, "Prisoners, what prisoners?  Why, I know nothing about any prisoners!  Bwahahahaha."

Weitz remarked only, "Hey, let 'em cool their heels for a few more days.  Maybe they'll sober up for once."