Saturday, July 25, 2020

Virtual Baseball: People All Over the Bronx Join a Cole Train. Miscreants Held at Secret Location (Hint: Rhymes with 'My Ray Band.')

In virtual baseball tonight, people over the Bronx joined the Cole Train, Cole Train, as the Yanks' new free agent ace tied for the league lead with his second complete game of the season, besting Eduardo Rodriguez and the Red Sox, 2-1.

Cole struck out 12, and was generally dominant, surrendering only a solo home run to Rafael "Danny" Devers.  This was matched by an Aaron Judge roundtripper, going into the ninth inning.

There, Cole ran into some trouble for the first time, but Manager Ma Boone left him in to fan Andrew "Babe" Benitendi, as people all over the Stadium joined hands and chanted at the Babe, "I feel sorry, sorry for you!"

In the bottom of the ninth, Giancarlo Stanton flashed his new, all-around game again, scoring D.J. LeMahieu from third with a "Baltimore chop."  He thus became the first Yankee to execute the play since Wee Willie Keeler.  MLB Commissioner Rob Manfredmann called the MLB Rules Committee into emergency session, to consider how baseball was to survive into the future with so many unexpected occurrences.

Meanwhile, the brawling band of Cracker Jack fanatics arrested by the Stadium Force last night for disrupting the Yankees-Popladores game were reportedly being held at an undisclosed location, one that authorities would only say rhymed with "Sty Gay Gland."

Carl J. Weitz, attorney for the miscreants, attempted to bail them out today, but was told by Stadium Force Generalissimo Chad Wolfmanjack, "Prisoners, what prisoners?  Why, I know nothing about any prisoners!  Bwahahahaha."

Weitz remarked only, "Hey, let 'em cool their heels for a few more days.  Maybe they'll sober up for once."


Urban Farmer formerly known as DutchFan said...

Sometimes I wish I were two dogs
Then I could play together.
So thinking of my virtual tribe, not knowing where I am, doesn't look bad.
Had some deep thoughts.
I thought, why not, na na na na
And then we can na na na na
Just like before and then you will say please give me more
And I will say na na na na

So that kinda exhausted me.
Have mercy on the criminal, praying lord you gotta help me, I will never sin again

But that's a lie

Then I woke up.

Anonymous said...

Hoss’ Prison Blues

(with apologies to Johnny Cash)

I hear that D train comin'
It's rolling round the bend
And I ain't seen a ballgame, since I don't know when.
I'm stuck in Hoss’ prison, with guys named 13 Bit
And unlike Steve McQueen, they took my baseball mitt.

I went to see the Yankees and hang out with the guys
And drink a bunch of liquor, pay twenty bucks for fries...
Then someone done paid forty, for some Cracker Jacks…
By the time the riot ended, there’s numbers on our backs.

I know there's rich folks eating, in boxes in the sky,
And watching big screen TV’s, and drinking their Mai Tais.
While we sat in the cheap seats, and we could barely see...
But they don’t care ‘bout the ballgame
And that's what tortures me.

Well if they freed me from this prison
no more live games for me.
No selling blood for tickets. Won’t stand in line to pee
No more hard earned money, to a guy named Lon
When I get out of Hoss’ Prison ... I will be high, far and…gone.

Doug K.

Urban Farmer formerly known as DutchFan said...


HoraceClarke66 said...

Beautiful, Doug K.! An instant classic, methinks!

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