Friday, July 10, 2020

Virtual Off-Day—But Is There Ever Really an Off-Day in Fun City? Gardy Gone, Bezos In, Hal to Speak!

The virtual baseball world was roiled again today, as the Virtual Yankees made it official, and released injured outfielder Brett Gardner, the longest serving Yankee on the planet.

The hyperactive, super-twitchy, commonly injured Gardy, who will turn 36 next month, had his finest power season in 2019, but has been slumping badly this season.  Aaron's Judge's stunning, game-winning homer last night seemed to clinch the decision to let Brett get.

"He will be missed," general manager Brian Cashman breathed through his special, Predator Protection Helmet, devised exclusively for him after an alarming, Eagle-Lizard Misrecognition Accident earlier this season.  "Gardy is my man.  But look at how stacked we are in the outfield! Clint Frazier, Tauchman, Judge, Stanton, Hicks—what, are we supposed to think all these guys are going to get hurt?"

In keeping with his tradition of never trying to get young prospects for aging players, Cashman had the Yanks simply hand Gardner his release after he cleared waivers.  Now the question is who—if anyone—is willing to take on the doughty spark plug.

Meanwhile, the sporting press scrambled all over the city today, trying desperately to keep up with everything that's going on.  The tabloids were reporting that the Jeff Bezos purchase of the Mets is indeed taking place, now that Amazon has agreed to pony up another $1 billion so that Fredo Wilpon, the son of Mets co-owner Fred Wilpon will, according to a news release, "always be taken care of."

Mets fans were all a-twitter about just what changes are likely to take place.  Bezos' office has made no comment on any of the rumors flying left and right now, save to deny that the team will be renamed the "Warehouse Drones," or "Proles."

Trying to join the city's three-ring circus of stunning baseball news, Yankees owner Hal Steinbrenner announced that he, too, would announce that he has a major announcement to make, over the All-Star break.

"I think it will please and delight Yankees fans everywhere, just as long, glittery red ladies boots please and delight me," Steinbrenner told the fans, with a large and rather repulsive wink.


13bit said...

Hi All, here IIHIIF, where "virtual" and "real" meet as seamlessly as the contours of the massage table to Giancarlo Stanton's famed ass.

First off, I hear that the Bezos team is planning to call the team the "STEM" because they could save money by just turning the jerseys inside out and reusing them.

Second, I have a dispatch from the field from the virtual 13BIT, who has requested that he be called "Lord Bit" in the future. He also claims that any references to him on the internet under the handle of "Half-Bit" are spurious, erroneous, false, libelous, and derive from rogue Red Sox fans living just south of New Haven. Here is what he asked me to pass on to you:

"Hi y'all. Here's an up date on this years "One Million Shining Huckleberry Annual It Is High, It Is Far Roundup and Meetup at Ye Olde Stadium." Thankfully, virtual tickets are still being sold, so we were able to procure a large batch of seats for the date we had agreed on - July 23rd, against the Angels. We plan to meet at noon for some day drinking at our special location, the one chosen by LBJ - known in the virtual world as "LBM" or "Local Bargain Master," who has helped me coordinate the event again with his unparalleled spreadsheet and human interfacing skills.

This year, we have enlisted robots to help us coordinate the meetup. They have been so efficient at rounding up the IIHIIF diaspora and assorted minions that we have been processing requests for over 1700 seats. These are all loyal blog fans and followers who have been lurking amongst us, but rarely post. We are certain that it is NOT the result of K-Pop fans or other bad actors, but an actual and true headcount. Naturally, we are thrilled.

Such scale and numbers have allowed us to get seats for unbelievably low rates. The team has also decided to honor us with one contiguous section, 5 seats deep, stretching from one side of the stadium to the other. This will allow us to stage some massive human placard type displays during the game. Mandatory training will begin for everybody at Floyd Bennett Field next week. For those who are unable to hew to our placard-display standards or are too old and feeble to get the job done, we plan to use mild and pleasant electronic stimulation so that everybody can have an enjoyable experience and feel like they are part of the crowd.

Dirty garlic fries will be provided. More updates as soon as they release me into the general population. I'm dictating this to the guy in the next cell. I hope this message of hope gets out into the world."

So there you have it...

HoraceClarke66 said...

Sounds great, Lord Bit!

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