Wednesday, July 29, 2020

As the season slips away, we must enjoy each game, each inning, each pitch...

So... onward! Mr. Sulu, set the new coordinates for Baltimore. Warp speed one. As per directives, we'll wear our shields...

And so it goes... 

Frankensteined schedule on Snowpiercer trains to Zombieland cities with The Shining hotels... baseball goes on. Somehow, we ended up in one of those movie dystopias we've been watching for the last 30 years. We finally made it Beyond Thunderdome, where everything but the virus moves in slow motion, and, sadly, there is no Tina Turner to lead us. We're here, on the Sci-Fi channel. We're in the movie. 

See the newsreel of last night's violence? It's part of every apocalyptic movie, the thumbnail recap of how humanity turned against itself, leaving this small band of strangers - this baseball team - to roam the planet in search of games. Supposedly, a cannibalistic tribe in Baltimore has issued a challenge, and so we will try to make our way to that burned-out, urban hellhole and play them... tonight.

We have assembled the tropes: 

Giancarlo, the aging soldier who seeks redemption for his once good name.

Gerrit, the mysterious newcomer, said to have escaped a tribe that was known for dark magic. 

Gleyber, the impetuous youngster who struggles to control his incredible powers.

Clint, their former friend, now banished, who may yet hold the key to everything. 

And if we survive Baltimore, other battles will loom.

If one bit of information can be teased from yesterday's marathon of doom-scrolling news, it is that we should savor every single moment of baseball this year, while it lasts. 

Thus, I am hereby suspending all complaints about fake crowd noise or the horrible new extra-innings base-runner rule. At any time, this year in baseball could halt. Robert Frost once wondered if the end would come in fire or ice? In fact, it might happen in a tweet.

Despite the Whine Ban, I do want to maintain some bile-burning indignation towards the juju gods, who had to make this the year everything turned to shit. 

I truly believe that 2020 offered the best Yankee team in this millennium, our best chance to win a world series since 2009. We had everything. But we've all seen the movies. We know what happens: Only a chosen few get out alive. 

The late Warren Zevon was once asked what he had learned after being diagnosed with terminal cancer. He replied, "Enjoy every sandwich." Words to live by. 

The Yankees play Baltimore tonight. I say, watch every game as if it might be your last. Four games in, and the 2020 season has hit the crossroads. Beam us up, Scotty.


Anonymous said...

Any reference to the late great Warren Zevon deserves a great big smack right on the lips [COVID be damned]. The most underrated artist in musical history; Period. Poor Poor Pitiful Me, Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner, Lawyers Guns and Money ,and plenty more . My son and I used to play his CDs on the way to his baseball tourneys. ALEXA, play Warren Zevon. If Sirius had gonads they would devote a station to him.

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

“Assembled the tropes” made me snicker loudly, disturbing the otherwise silent office. If you invented that play on words, bravo. If you stole it, go back and steal more.

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

In our “You can not predict baseball, Suzyn” kinda year I made a bet on the Blue Jays. First they were going to be in Pittsburgh, then Baltimore. They are apparently going to Buffalo, the AAA affiliate. Well they have a AA affiliate too. What if Buffalo comes down with brucellosis? Well they might have to move down to AA... in Manchester NH. That field has a hotel right on the field. I’ve booked a refundable room there for every Yankees Blue Jays game just in case things get really crazy... so in all the craziness maybe I’ll get to see the Yanks. It’d be a perfect utopia. Just a lot people would have to die first. Kinda like socialism.

Ken of Brooklyn said...

Who runs BarterTown, the Virus runs BarterTown,,,,,,,, really wanted to say it was The Master, but unfortunately I've got to be a realist. Sage words El Duque, I will be savoring each and every second of any and all future games.

And I was wondering, has The master ever thrown out the first pitch, wouldn't it be fantastic if he did (if and) when the Yankees play in the stadium this year!!!

ranger_lp said...

A couple of observations...

The Yanks as a team had to vote whether or not to play Baltimore. I'm sure every player would have voted twice or three times to play the Orioles. Heck, they would have voted to play the Birds every game for the rest of the season.

Let's hear it for Joe Kelly. I would have thrown at all those cheaters if I could.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Brilliant, Duque, just brilliant. This is indeed what this all feels like.

HoraceClarke66 said...

My only caveat: I don't know if this was really going to be such a great Yankees year.

They were going to start with much of the team on the DL—again!—and especially the pitching shorts. Judge, Sanchez, Stanton, Paxton, etc.

And even now, with the time to heal, Paxton is still a much-battered enigma. Clint is jettisoned for no good reason.

It could've been a good year. We could also have been seven games behind TB right now, and treading water. But yeah, I would've loved to see it.

Ken of Brooklyn said...

Re: Ranger,
YESSS! HIP HIP HOORAY to Joe "Nice Swing Bitch' Kelly, here's hoping there's more payback to the Asstros throughout this weird wild wicked season,,,, nothing that hurts bones mind you, just breeze bys that hurt their lyin' cheatin' hearts!

ranger_lp said...

Joe Kelly suspended 8 games for his actions...

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

Joe Kelly is awesome.

You can already buy a Thank You Joe Kelly shirt...

Publius said...

I listened to John and Suzyn the way I always do
How was I to know they weren't really in the booth?
I was puffing on a Havana while Cessa pitched
Send Britton, Green and Otto, Chappie get us out of this

A longtime Yankee fan but somehow I got stuck
justifying Cash's bad decisions and now I don't give a fuck
Yes I don't give a fuck
I just don't give a fuck

Sign a lefty from Honduras for the twenty sixth man
Send Britton, Green and Otto when the shit really hits the fan

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...


Publius said...

I saw a redhead with a Louisville slugger in his hand
Walking through the streets of Moosic in the rain
He was thinking about hiring a brand new agent
a nice trade package, maybe they'll take Cain

Ah-hoo, Redhead of Scranton, Ah-hoo

You see him cracking line drives to the gap
You better not think he'll help the Yanks win
Cash'll bring him up and sit him for two weeks
Then the Redhead's back to Scranton again

Ah-hoo Redhead of Scranton, Ah-hoo

He's the quick swinging ginger
Who's a shitty outfielder
Soon he'll be taking reps at first base

You better not groove one to him,
He'll take you deep, Jim
I'd like to meet his barber

Ah-hoo Redhead of Scranton, Ah-hoo

I saw Mike Tauchman playing left field
instead of the Redhead of Scranton

I saw Jackie Bradley Jr gunning down Hicks
instead of the Redhead of Scranton

I saw a redhead get 500 hits for 4 different teams
And his hair was perfect

Ah-hoo, Redhead of Scranton, E-9, Ah-hoo

HoraceClarke66 said...

Perfect, Publius!

HoraceClarke66 said...

Hey, it could be worse for The Master. In another reality, he's in a coma.

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