Thursday, July 16, 2020

Virtual Off-Day—But Not for MLB Executives! Cash Leads Secret Meeting. Dems Dissolve in Chaos! Holy Moley!

For a virtual off-day, today was a regular barnburner, both within and without the sporting world.

First, while rescue workers combed through the gaping chasm that was once Dodger Stadium, MLB executives met in a secret session, called by New York Virtual Yankees virtual GM, Brian Cashman.  The meeting was to vote on all of the many ideas for improving the (former) national game proposed by Commissioner Rob Manfredmann, and Giancarlo Stanton, a man of knowledge, in their now famous "Sweat Lodge Summit" earlier this season.

While Stanton has dropped out of public view just as the Yankees find themselves short on outfielders, Commissioner Manfredmann is expected to push their mutual agenda.  Baseball fans everywhere look forward to the possibility of a faster, more diverse game that costs less and is accompanied by edibles and potables that are not actively destructive of the human body.

Meanwhile, MLB executives scoffed at the idea that an apparent video message from Walter O'Malley in hell, or the isolated, Sodom-and-Gomorrah-like destruction of the majors' third oldest ballpark portended any greater cataclysm.

"Please.  If maintaining a racist color line for 63 years didn't bring down God's wrath upon us, what will?  Let's face it:  there is no Supreme Being, and we're all living in the sort of godless universe where the Florida Marlins can win the World Series. Twice!" scoffed one club president, who insisted upon anonymity, out of the fear that his words might be "misconstrued."

The good news out of Chavez Ravine was that rescue workers were able to retrieve Houston Astros second baseman Jose Altuve, who was only slightly charred and should be ready for action again in a few days. The EMT squad that pulled Altuve to safety said that he would have escaped harm altogether, save for a tangle of mysterious electronic wiring hidden under his shirt.

There was no word on announcer Joe Buck, who plunged into the hellish chasm with Altuve, and is believed to be a total loss.

Finally, in virtual news outside of baseball today, Democrats meeting at their national convention in Milwaukee, refused to nominate the party's delegate leader after the conclusion of the primary season, Minnesota Sen. Amy Klobuchar, who amassed about 20 percent of the vote in a divided field.

Shouting, "We may be feeble, but we're not suicidal!" advocates of Sen. Bernie Sanders rushed the convention podium, although this took several hours due to their frequent stops to debate and vote on continuing the charge.

In the end, though, the convention devolved into chaos, with the candidates fleeing the scene, and delegates freely hurling disparaging and hurtful words at each other.  It is unclear what the party will do now, though talking is expected to resume tomorrow.

At this juncture it appears that whatever the Democrats decide will make little difference.  With the Dow rapidly heading toward 60,000, President Donald J. Trump has a commanding lead in the polls, with Independent candidate Jesse Ventura a distant second, and Gary Hart in third, though he has expressed no interest in running for president.


ranger_lp said...

"There was no word on announcer Joe Buck, who plunged into the hellish chasm with Altuve, and is believed to be no loss."


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