Wednesday, July 22, 2020

Nothing Means Anything, II: A Modest Proposal

But hey, if we're going to do this, I have a modest proposal going forward:  go all the way.  Have the home team decide what form of "baseball" will be played.

Anything is eligible.  "Deadball," in which the ball will not be replaced for the entire game, and pitchers can doctor it any way they choose.

"The Massachusetts game," in which there is no foul territory, and you get guys out by hitting them with a hard, rubber ball.  "The Philadelphia game," which is played on a rectangle, instead of a diamond.  Baseball in which all foul balls count as strikes, and in which none do.  Baseball where the pitcher must deliver his pitch underhand, to where the batter wants it.  Baseball in which the curveball is not allowed.

Baseball in which the batter is out if you grab a groundball on the first hop.  Baseball that is played until somebody scores 21 runs.  Baseball in which no substitutions are allowed—or in which immediate substitutions are allowed if a player yells it out loud enough for the umpire to hear.  Baseball in which the distances between the pitcher's rubber and home, and/or between the bases is changed by 10 or 20 feet.

Baseball played without gloves, or protective equipment.  Baseball with sticks in the ground, instead of bases.

Why not?  We've tried all of these versions of baseball in the past.  Why not again?

Think of the strategy involved!  Think of what fun it will be, going to the ballpark and not even knowing what kind of a game you will see that day!  Think of how managers will scheme and mull, deciding just which baseball is most likely to give them a win.

And if that still doesn't get the fans interested again, bring them on to the field.  Bring back the crowds that used to stand in the outfield, just behind rope lines, ready to interfere with play on the field.

Why not?

After all:  Nothing means anything.


Anonymous said...

"Think of what fun it will be, going to the ballpark and not even knowing what kind of a game you will see that day!"

I absolutely LOVE this idea!!! A different kind of game every day. Almost like the good old days when we were kids and trying to figure out what to play during school recess. It's certainly way better than starting extra innings with a runner on 2B.

I have a couple of ideas too: Fogball, where they use dry ice to create a dracula's castle graveyard kind of fog on the field. Makes it much more challenging to play defense.

And Punchball, where if the hitter gets a single, he then engages in a Queensbury rules boxing match with the first baseman for a one minute round. If the hitter knocks down the fielder, it's one point for the offense. If the fielder knocks down the hitter, the hitter is out. If neither gets knocked down in the one minute round, then we just resume play as if nothing happened. If the hitter gets a double, then this scenario plays out at second base. And so on, all the way home. So that a solo home run could produce two runs, if the hitter knocks down the catcher.

Heck, baseball would be so exciting, it would instantly become the world's most addicting sport. I would pay money to see Punchball, lots and lots of money. (I'm a fight fan. I miss boxing.)

The Hammer of God

HoraceClarke66 said...

I love it, Hammer!

Hell, maybe the fans could even vote on what type of game they would want to see that day. The owners would like it, because it would encourage them to get there early so they could vote, and start spending more on concessions.

Really, why inflict the death of a thousand cuts on this game?

"Is it not cruel to let our city die by degrees, stripped of all her proud moments, until there is nothing left of all her history and beauty to inspire our children?" Jackie Kennedy said, in her famous letter to save Grand Central.

I feel the same way about baseball—and since we DO seem determined to kill it by degrees, I say embrace the chaos. Let's make it the craziest thing ever, so we don't have to watch it die so slowly.

Isiyku Abdulahi said...

I really want the world to know about this great man who brought back happiness into my life again after my husband left me and the kids 3 years ago for another women online when i contacted Dr Believe he cast a love spell for me within 48 hours my ex husband start calling me and begging for forgiveness for everything that have happened between us. I was so happy to have my family back together with love again here is the email of Dr Believe via a man with the great powers you can also call him or add him on Whats-app: +2348156148821
God bless you
I am very grateful for your help in my marriage.