Saturday, July 18, 2020

Virtual Baseball: Big Maple Cut Down to Size in St. Loo. Domingo Recovered! Gardy Defies Bezos!

Resuming play for the second half of the virtual season, the Yanks journeyed to the Gateway to the West, St. Louis—and were sad not to find the Browns waiting for them there.

As it was, James Paxton, sporting a spiffy new moustache to hide his sad, depressive eyes, was bounced about rudely by the Cardinals, dropping a 10-6 decision.  Gleyber Torres, Mike Tauchman, and Miguel Andujar homered, but it was not enough to pull the erratic Yankees starter through.

Meanwhile, Domingo German was recovered from the New York subway tunnels, slightly rat-bitten, but otherwise none the worse for wear.  German pledged that he would make it to a Yankees game this year, even if it meant taking Uber.

Over in Queens, meanwhile, Jeff Bezos called a team meeting to announce his new plans for the New York Mets.  The team was to be renamed "the Amazonians," with their uniforms to feature the Amazon swoosh.

Everything seemed set—until a certain, impetuous bald man stood up in the back of the room.

"Sure, we're the Mets, a beleaguered, Godforsaken set of bastards if ever there was one," Gardy said. "But that doesn't mean we have to wear bent penises on our shirts, or serve as a walking advertisement for this bastard who will destroy all of American commerce.  We shouldn't give in."

At that point, Gardner and Bezos agreed to invoke the standard, Cinematic Baseball Contract, under which a nearly impossible goal on the playing field will result in one party taking over the team, and the other banished to run a farm, or some such.

"Am I an idiot to gamble the largest single enterprise in the Western world?  Sure.  But Gardy challenged me," Bezos said afterwards.  "I couldn't let that bald-headed bastard get away with it.  Besides, what are the odds?"

If the Mets win the World Series, then the team will proceed in its incredibly mediocre course, as ever.  If not, then Bezos will get to make the Mets into walking advertisements for his soul-killing enterprise, and Brett Gardner will be forced into spending the next year as Mets mascot, "Mr. Met."

The two men spat into their hands before shaking on the deal, thereby making its tenets sacrosanct forever in the eye of the Lord.


Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

So when the real pretend baseball starts up again today at 7:05 on WFAN, YES, SNY, and ESPN2 where the almost Yankees will completely dominate and decimate the lowly Mets... will Virtual Baseball continue? I don’t feel the arc coming to a close at all here! Seems like JR has only just been shot and we have eight more years to go.

Der Kaiser said...

I am far more interested to follow the virtual baseball season than whatever travesty MLB manages to eke out. The quality of play is higher, the integrity of the game is more respected, the stakes are bigger, and the drama is more realistic. I hope it virtually continues through October or beyond.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Thanks, guys! I guess that depend on, well, you guys.

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