Friday, July 17, 2020

Virtual Off-Day (Again): Cashman, in Coup, Squashes MLB Reforms! Judge Injury Source Discovered! Democrats Choose Candidate.

Some good news for Yankees fans today on a virtual off-day:  doctors at Columbia-Presbyterian Hospital have found the source of the pain that Aaron Judge described as the equivalent of "a nine-inch nail" driven into his heel.

It was—a nine-inch nail, one of a heap of them that mob-hired workmen had left in the Yankee Stadium after nailing some loose fencing back in place, in the shoddily constructed ballpark.  Yankees team physicians had been unable to detect the nail through a series of CAT-Scans and MRIs, but admitted that they had not tried "human visual observation of the Judge heel."

"We will investigate our training methods when the season is over.  Again," promised Yankees general manager Brian Cashman.

Cashman had other things on his mind today, though, having led a rebellion by the owners that rejected every agreement Commissioner Rob Manfredmann made earlier this season with Giancarlo Stanton, in "the Sweat House Summit."

"What were you smoking?" Cashmere demanded during the meeting when the proposed reforms were read out, a query that brought only an embarrassed silence from the commish.

The owners turned thumbs down on the entire, far-reaching agenda designed to speed-up games, stop cheating, and make the ballpark experience affordable and endurable again.  Even proposals to reduce the number of rat feces in ballpark hot dogs was voted down, as "an unreasonable burden placed upon our vendors.  And the rats."

Instead, the owners passed a new set of rules to go into effect next year, most of which are designed to increase their own revenues, and to fit all baseball games into strict—if lengthy!—time periods for the benefit of television programming.

Beginning in 2021, all extra innings will begin with a man on third base, and a special flashlight shining in the pitcher's eyes.  Any games that do not end within 3 hours and 30 minutes will be declared "ties," and counted accordingly in the standings.

Sponsors will be allowed to buy ad space on all the bases and home plate, the outfield grass, the foul pole, uniforms, caps, umpires' jackets, bats, and the faces of all ballpark concession workers.

"Let's face it: people love ads," Cashman said after the meeting.  "And ties!  Who DOESN'T get excited about ties?  Look what they've done for soccer!"

It was a stunning turnaround, one that left many wondering what had happened to the reforms promised just a few months ago.  Speculation abounded as to why Stanton, who has again been missing for weeks, failed to appear.

"If he is so intent on this, where is he?" Cashman breathed through his Eagle Protection Headgear.  "We could sure use him in the lineup, now that I traded Gardy prematurely!"

Off the field, late reports from Milwaukee indicate that the wild night of verbal violence that had derailed the Democratic National Convention was finally over.  To the surprise of everyone and the satisfaction of none, the convention finally agreed to nominate Old Joe Biden, who was the first choice of no delegates.

According to the Milwaukee police, 29 of the delegates were hospitalized with microaggressions, while another 65 suffering from cryptic words and disparaging glances, were treated and released into the wild again.


ranger_lp said...

That 3 hour 30 minute time limit sounds very Japanese to me...

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