Monday, July 13, 2020

Virtual Baseball: Double Trouble—For the Two-Steps! Yanks Sweep Make-Up Twinight Doubleheader in Wild End to First Half!

The virtual New York Yankees finished one of the hottest first halves in franchise history today by sweeping the pesky Texas Two-Steps this evening, 9-8 and 4-3.

Today's action had just about everything.  The Yankees were planning to start J.A. Happ in one of the two games, but Houston Astros manager Dusty Baker announced that he had named Happ to the AL All-Star team, thereby preventing the Yankees from starting him.

"No, Happ shouldn't really be on the All-Star team," Baker said frankly.  "I just did it to mess up the Yankees.  But I'll be sure to pitch him in the game, hoping he gets messed up real good."

When the Yankees protested these remarks, Commissioner Rob Manfredmann said he would take them under advisement, but warned that it is highly unusual for MLB to punish a team not located in New York.

The Yankees then planned to start Domingo German in place of Happ.  In light of his recent series of car accidents on the way to his starts, German was placed on the No. 4 train to the Stadium, with two of the lesser bastards of the Steinbrenner family.  However, the train stalled in the tunnel between 125th St. and the Grand Concourse for two hours.  German finally forced his way out of his car and tried to make his way through the tunnels to the Stadium, but has not been seen since.  It is greatly feared that he has been eaten by rats.

With two starters down, the Yanks turned to Deivi Garcia, who was slugged early and often, falling behind 6-2 by the third inning.  But as is their wont this season, the Bombers stormed back, behind home runs by Mike Tauchman, Mike Ford, and Miguela Andujar, El Matador.

Completing the "Day of Mikes," Mike King, fully gooped up and back from the E-List, came back to pitch four innings of shutout relief.  The Manhattanhenge sun came out for good in the bottom of the 10th inning when Aaron Judge, still unable to start due to a searing pain in his heal that has baffled team physicians, pinch-hit an opposite field home run to give the Pinstripers the decision.

"It's good to see that he is not using all his power, but hitting to the opposite field," Yanks GM Brian Cashman breathed through his Eagle Protection Headgear.

"How is this possibly a 'twinight' doubleheader?" asked Acting Yankees broadcaster Clyde Frazier between games.  "What kind of word is 'twinight?'  It's not 'twilight.'  It's not 'twinbill'.  What does it even mean?  How does it even exist?"

"Yes, but say it loud, and there's music playing.  Saying it soft, and it's almost like praying," replied an enraptured Suzyn Waldman.

In game two, the Yanks went with rookie Clarke Schmidt, who pitched another outstanding game, striking out 10 and surrendering just two runs in six innings.

Still, the Yanks trailed, 3-2, headed into the bottom of the tenth, when a pale, limping Aaron Judge dragged himself to the plate and delivered another pinch-hit blast, thus becoming the first man in major-league history to hit game-winning, pinch-hit home runs in extra innings, in both games of a (twi-night) doubleheader.

"I'm glad to help the team," said Judge, who was openly wincing from the team as he rounded the base.  "But my heel—it feels as if there is a nine-inch nail stuck in there."

Yankees team doctors scheduled further exams at Mount Sinai for Judge tomorrow.  But for now, the Yankees are 66-29, headed into the All-Star break, just two measly games behind the TB Rays.

"Hey, could be worse.  Don't forget about my big announcement tomorrow!" Hal Steinbrenner reminded reporters today, swearing that it would have nothing to do with soccer.


Urban Farmer formerly known as DutchFan said...

It might be something with the hotel business. So a name change. No more Yankees (Jan Kezen) but

The NY Pillow Guys
The NY Comfy Lays
The Holiday Inns


Urban Farmer formerly known as DutchFan said...

Today's virtual osmosis from the actual NY Post

“We love [Florial],’’ Boone said. “He’s been robbed a little bit of his development with some of the injuries he’s run into and this year getting shut down. We still love the person, tools and potential. There’s no question his ceiling remains incredibly high and there’s value in him being out there.”

It is getting creepy.

JM said...

"When the Yankees protested these remarks, Commissioner Rob Manfredmann said he would take them under advisement, but warned that it is highly unusual for MLB to punish a team not located in New York."

This one got me. Brilliantly phrased.

DutchFan, my wife and I would like to come to Europe and visit her family. I think because she's a German citizen, we would be allowed in. But any strings you can pull would be helpful.

No hurry. We're still too damn scared to fly in the 747 germ incubator. Nice that New York City has really beaten down the virus, while many other states learned nothing from our experience. But then, USA stands for Usually Stupid Americans.

13bit said...

JM, aren't 747s gone from all but cargo duties? I, for one, will miss them, but I think the old "Queen of the Skies" is not hauling sweaty humans anymore.

And yes, the "real" and the "virtual" will eventually meet at the top of the circle, at which point we all disintegrate, the world ends, and a new and better race emerges. Humans have been around too long, anyway.

Rufus T. Firefly said...


There are still some 747's still hauling passengers, but none are US based. I flew one 10 years ago to Sydney and got to sit (sleep) in the upper deck. It was quite nice and spacious. Was a United (I think), so not flying anymore.

Now for a really huge first class and really cramped steerage section, nothing compares to the old L1011. You could get a really coveted interior (middle of five) seat that had no legroom and a seatback on top of you. Oh, the joys of jetset travel!

As far as Hoss's tripping the night away, excellent psilocybin based remembrances! I am hoping for a dramatic climactic episode where the chartered L1011 carrying the remains of the Boss's progeny (G_d we miss you Hank) crashes in flames returning from the WS victory party. The crew survives, as do the scum sucking leaches, all to die after weeks in the burn unit. (not that I'm bitter or anything)

Now, THAT's a miniseries I would watch.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Hee-hee! It IS now getting harder to separate fact and fiction. I pledge now not to write anything about a nuclear holocaust. Or, you know, mysterious attacks on Iran's nuclear facilities that could easily escalate—

NO. That is right out!

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