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Saturday, July 11, 2020

Virtual Rainout! But Something's Always Cooking in Gotham! Gardy Goes Metsie! Bezos Takes the Reins!

The virtual Yankees took a well-earned day of rest before what will now be a doubleheader against the Texas Rangers tomorrow.

But that doesn't mean that baseball wasn't dominating the headlines in America's most exciting city!

Brett Gardner, kicked to the curb by the Yankees yesterday, amazed the baseball world by signing a new, two-year contract with the New York Mets.  It was believed to be for either $1 million or $1 billion a year.

Asked for clarification,  the new Mets owner, Jeff Bezos, replied "Whatever."

According to team sources, Bezos had made another $2 billion over lunch.

In other sports news, the New York State legislature met in special session today, and immediately revoked the statutes forbidding a private enterprise from buying up public park land.  When a State Supreme Court judge issued an emergency injunction suspending the new law, on the grounds that the prohibition was written in the state constitution, Gov. Andrew Cuomo promptly suspended the constitution, and declared martial law.

"Just call me, 'Amazon Cuomo,' " the governor announced.

Polled on the imposition of martial law and the suspension of all civil liberties, 33 percent of New Yorkers were opposed, 25 percent favored the measure, 17 percent replied that they did not have enough information, 13 percent did not know what the term 'martial law' meant, 7 percent replied, 'Whatever,' and the remaining 5 percent were not aware that they were living in New York State.

Meanwhile, special Amazon work crews were already hard at work building a new helicopter pad for Chairman Bezos, behind the giant apple-in-a-hat in centerfield.

New York Yankees owner Hal Steinbrenner announced that he, too, would soon issue an important statement regarding the Yankees' future plan.  When a reporter asked, "It's not about soccer, is it?  Because that's not important," Steinbrenner blushed brightly and replied, "No comment."



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