Monday, July 6, 2020

Virtual Baseball: German Fails to Make It to Rogers, Yanks Fall.

Domingo German, the erstwhile Yankees virtual phenom who was scheduled to finally make his first start of the season today, instead caused an 88-car crash in Toronto.  Jordan Montgomery, rushed in to pitch in German's stead, was battered by the Blue Jays, as the Yanks lost, 9-4, and dropped their first virtual series since virtual May.

German was thought to be safe and secure on his way to the Rogesr Cetnre today, as he had borrowed Aroldis Chapman's new, Kevlar-lined, $150,000 armored combat Jeep.  But he inexplicably set off for the ballpark on the left side of the road, and ended up ploughing through vehicle after vehicle that had the misfortune to actually be obeying the traffic rules.

"I thought, you know, Canada is a British colony, right?  So, you must drive on the left," German explained afterwards through a translator.

Manager Ma Boone was soon heard furiously lecturing the delinquent hurler on the fine points of the 1864 Quebec and Charlottetown conferences, the 1867 British North America Act,  the 1931 Statute of Westminster, and the 1982 Canada Act.  Afterwards, the young pitcher only seemed more confused.

"Wait, so Newfoundland didn't join the Canadian Confederation until 1949?  What was that about?  And now it's Newfoundland and Labrador?" German asked through his openly exasperated translator.

Later, clubhouse cut-up Luke Voit admitted that it was he who had misinformed Domingo about Canada's colonial status, "just to see what fun would result."

The hastily prepared Monty was ripped apart by those twin killers of Toronto, Bo B. and Vladdy G., who each hit two home runs this time out.  They more than negated solo shots by the repentant Voit, and Kyle Higashioka.

The loss dropped the Yanks to 62-28 on the virtual season, still three games behind the TB Rays, who are still hanging tough in first.

On a brighter note, the Royal Canadian Mounties announced that German's battle Jeep had caused an 88-car pile-up, breaking by one vehicle the previous Canadian record for largest ever multiple-car crash.  (The record does not count the infamous, 103-donkey cart collision set on a foggy day in Labrador in 1946, when the province was still independent of Canada.  But not of Great Britain.)

Thankfully, no individuals were seriously hurt by the Kevlar Konqueror, although German also totaled 23 mailboxes, 10 fire hydrants, 3 empty baby carriages, 15 vegetable carts, and 10 plates of sheet glass being carefully carried by workers in overalls through intersections, who then squeezed their formless little hats in their fists, hurled them to the street, and shook their fists after the retreating Kevlorian.


Urban Farmer formerly known as DutchFan said...

I said it once, I'll say it again. Nothing good can come from someone or something bearing the name "German".

But, no injury so we wonder what his next mishap will be.

There is a thin Kevlar line keeping us safe
There's a storm on the loose
Sirens in my head
Wrapped up in silence all cricuits are dead
Cannot decode, my whole life spins into a frenzy

JM said...

Hey, UF, my lovely wife is from Germany and she's a G-you-know-what. On the other hand, she's very, very, aware of history and has been living in New York for almost 30 years now.

I wonder if she knows something?

Well, as she used to say, she has no problem with Germany but Germans are another story.

Urban Farmer formerly known as DutchFan said...

Ah, well......there you have it.
What can I say. Probably nothing. But.....I did have a German girlfriend once and she most definitely was not the reason for my generalized comments. On the other hand, the exception proves the rule!

Der Kaiser said...

I know many Germans who are simply lovely: kind, helpful, and jolly. Their biggest flaws are their lackadaisical nature and muddled thinking. But they are hardly unique in those.

I complain about them all the time, but every time I'm exasperated and ready to pack up and quit the country, some stranger goes out of their way to help me or I discover some pretty little town that I hadn't seen before...

HoraceClarke66 said...

What is that from, UF? I like it!

I've been to Germany twice, and each time found the country and the people delightful. What a nightmare, though, for the post-WW II generations—you grow up discovering your parents' and grandparents were part of one of the most evil episodes in history.

Urban Farmer formerly known as DutchFan said...

It's from Golden Earring - Twillight Zone.

In Holland we tend to joke about the Germans a lot. Luckily they can take it. Some of my best friends could have been German if I had only met them.

And obviously we are only talking about virtual Germans of course!
There seems to be osmosis occurring between your virtual Yankees universe and our disconcerting present.

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