Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Exposed: The secret ESPN plan to bring down Yankee legend John Sterling and take control of the Hertz 24/7 Broadcast Booth

The following was indirectly mentioned yesterday in a brief comment by "Anonymous."  I suspect the writer is a high-ranking ESPN official, wracked by his lost morality, or a bureaucrat in the appropriate U.S. government agency, which is assigned to tap ESPN's phones. Frankly, I don't give a whoop. What follows is a terrifying path of pure, unadulterated truth.  


1. ESPN, the international sports broadcast leviathan, is known to despise the New York Yankees baseball team with a hatred that burns hotter than a million suns. This view is indicated by its hiring of - among others - a certain ex-player referred to by our own blogger, Mustang, as Mr. "Financialwhiz McBloodsock."
2. ESPN is legally and financially bound to Major League Baseball through massive broadcast rights contracts and raucous social events which include cocktails and funny business.

3. In recent years, ESPN has coveted the radio rights to broadcast Yankee baseball games, so that it could assign announcers such as - or akin to - the aforementioned Mr. "Fattie" McBloodsock.

4. In recent years, ESPN's path to the Yankee radio broadcast booth has been blocked by the popularity of Mr. John Sterling, along with his gallant first lieutenant, Suzyn, who is known for her clubhouse reports.

5. Mr. Sterling, as the preeminent Yankee voice of his generation, maximizes his incredible popularity through the use of signature Yankee home run calls.

6. The most famous of Mr. Sterling's home run calls belongs to Mr. Alex Rodriguez, the player known as A-Rod, who launches "A-Bombs."

7. MLB - which is in cahoots with ESPN - seeks to suspend Mr. Rodriguez and deny Mr. Sterling his most valuable announcing asset, the A-Bomb. Not only will MLB/ESPN eliminate Rodriguez' bat from the Yankees, it would effectively render the team - and Mr. Sterling -  homeless for the duration of 2013.

8. Without home runs and home run calls, the Yankees and Mr. Sterling will disappear from public view, replaced by interest in the upcoming New York City mayoral races that feature Anthony Weiner and Eliot Spitzer.

9. In recent weeks, a steady drumbeat of news stories about Mr. Rodriguez' impending suspension have been leaked by MLB to ESPN reporters, thus allowing commentators such as Mr. McBloodsock ample opportunity to condemn the Yankees and - by inference - their current radio voice.

THEREFORE.... ESPN, through the guidance of MLB, is orchestrating the demise of not only the Yankees but Mr. Sterlng, so it can take control of the radio booth and install a puppet announcing regime, one that could even include the presence of Mr. "Three-Chin" McBloodsock... whose voice would forever drone upon Yankee sensibilities and drive the radio fan base into extinction.

Ladies and gentlemen: I cannot make this clearer:

This is an attempted coup.

ESPN is on the verge of implementing its long term plan to install "Publicmoney McBloodsock" - with perhaps Kleenexwrists Garciappariah - into our last outpost of Yankee truth, the radio booth.

Next year's home run call for Derek Jeter could be, "A homer by Jeet? I don't give a sheet!"

Gather your weapons, Yankiverse, and ride to the sound of gunfire! The Hebrew Home at Riverdale is under attack! (It's beautiful, like a college campus... but not for much longer!) The next A-Bomb will be upon us. God have mercy.


Larry Craig, U.S. Senator (retired) said...

Can anyone even imagine going into the men's room at The Stadium and hearing this McBloodysock douche put down the Yanks and grovel for more public money to cover his bad bets? If this ever comes to pass, I shall abdicate my throne (for now, 3rd stall on the left, upper level, near Section 427).

Vengeance74 said...

I'd rather listen to Ben Stein visine ads than listen to Sterling's retarded hr calls

JM said...

Ben Stein is dangerous in that he still can get an editorial page article and blather on about his discredited and completely moronic economic ideas. The Master keeps his moronic impulses to his HR calls and the fact that you can't predict baseball.

I'd still rather have Ichiro's defense than Swisher's or Granderson's, and his singles over Granderson's strikeouts and mostly meaningless home runs. Swisher wasn't much of a hitter sometimes, either, though who couldn't like the guy? He was the only human in a Yankee uniform who appeared in front of a camera, as opposed to the media droids that showed up when other players were supposed to be interviewed.

We let him walk, so the point, as Jesse Jackson once put it, is moot. I'd rather have Soriano-Gardner-Ichiro in the OF than any other combination we've got. Period.

Ok, Zolio 'Tastes Like Butter' Almonte can play sometimes, too. The kid has moxie.

joe de pastry said...

John M,
I give up.
You don't get it, and, apparently, you never will.

Anonymous said...

I have nothing to do with ESPN. I don't even own a television... What I do have is my own supply own Festeris and an ability to predict baseball.

John Sterling, from Chavez Ravine, said...

Not to worry, fans. You cannot predict John Sterling. The eagle-eyed among you may have spotted a Wall Street Journal story earlier this week which suggested that the Walt Disney Company (majority owner of ESPN) is the target of a hostile takeover from an even more gargantuan corporate interest. Run out The Master? Hah! Chris Berman, get worried, John Sterling will take your seat! And I'd love to do basketball again as well as the Yankees. Don't count out The Master's tenacity, or Wall Street's intrigues . . . .