Friday, July 12, 2013

Open Letter to Baseball Juju Gods: We have had enough of your brutality

Dear Madams or Sirs,

OK, we get it. You enjoy shaking the ball of yarn, so that when we instinctively claw it, everything unravels and we become helplessly ensnarled. You know we cannot look away. It must be fun.

Shame on you. For shame...

Last winter, we sat out every free agent auction and scurried home with a yard sale Travis Hafner, a day's worth of Russell Canzler and 20 Reid Brignacs.

In the first days of Florida,  Grandy and Tex wrecked their wrists - and months later,  they came back for barely a week before getting hurt again.

On opening day, we crapped the hot tub against Boston. We lost Youkilis, Cervelli, Nunez and anybody who offered a ray of hope, all the way down to Ronnier Mustellier. 

Now, as MLB plans to short-circuit A-Rod's return, you have Jeter come back... for six innings? And he tweaks a gonad? Going for a MRI? Six innings? One day. Are you f---g kidding me? ONE DAY? 

This is wrong. Dammit, this is an outrage. This flies against reason. This is a naked attack on Yankee fans, and you won't get away with it. You think there's nothing we can do? Well, you're wrong. We have Yankee fan lawyers. We have Yankee fan soldiers. We have Yankee fan cab drivers, barbers and sheet metal workers - hordes willing to climb each other until we scale your outer wall, and then bite you on the other side. We will eat you. Understand? We will eat you.

I don't mind a hammy here and there. It reminds us of Rickie Henderson. But Jeter coming back...  for one day - one day. That's sick. That's just wrong. Something's happened to you. We know what you're doing: He'll be gone a month, and then need a full rehab, and then what - a wrist? No. We're not falling for it. We will not claw at your brightly colored yarn. This is cheap. This is bogus. You will not do this to us again and get away with it.

That's right. This is a warning: Don't push us, juju gods. Back off. That's right. Back off.

There are things we can do. I'm not going to list them. I'm going to let you think about them. But if you think the Yankiverse will sit on its hands while you tinker with the fates of our players - well, you have things to learn.

That's right. Things. To. Learn.

That's all I'm saying. Mums the word. This is not a threat. It's merely a statement of fact. Next time you start your car, juju gods, remember what I'm saying. By the way, would you like pictures of your children yesterday while on their way to day camp? Oh, yes, we know where they go to day camp. The counselors are Yankee fans. Die hard Yankee fans. 

So, do we understand ourselves? Jeet had better not be hurt. Right? I think you get it. There. I'm glad we had this talk. Now, go, shoe... run off and fix some games. I've got to study maps of your neighborhood. Did you know your dog is visible from nearby rooftops? 


Stang said...

Speaking truth to Juju?

That takes some courage.

You survive this, I'd like to shake your hand and buy you a drink.

Pedro Cerrano 1B said...

Duque must soothe JuJu's anger with hats for bats. Sleep with live iguana. Shave with Tabasco sauce. Duque should not anger JuJu. Maybe JuJu vacations in Syracuse, hangs out in Duque's favorite watering hole. Duque must buy JuJu a drink. Rum. Lots of it. And a Cuban cigar.

KD said...

Look what you've done, duque!! The entire Yankiverse will blame you if Jeet goes back on the DL. Taunting JuJu. what were you thinking?