Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Yankeetorial: One run per game: Let's call them the Bronx Unibombers

A device by official scorers erases the meaningless stolen base in the meaningless final inning of a blowout. It's called "Defensive Indifference," when the runner jogs to second, untouched. I think the Yankees lead the league in DI's, because they're always behind and seriously indifferent.

I propose a new definition: Offensive Indifference. Thus, when a career bum like Jeremy Guthrie throws seven innings of one-run ball, it will not lower his ERA, because it was done against the '13 Yankees, the sorriest collection of hitters since 1969.

Last night, I turned on the game 15 minutes late and was horrified - mortified! - to find the team down 2-0. It was like a two-goal lead in soccer. Two f---g runs? Why bother watching? This team can't score three runs, unless it's a wind-blown shoot-out, a hurricane maybe, in which our pitching staff will likely give up ten.

This is what the end of time looks like. This is a Yankee team so filled with castoffs that I don't bother to learn full names of newcomers. That new infielder, Cruz? I don't care to know his first name. I'm not even going to look up the spelling for the firstbaseman we signed yesterday, whom we played and then embarrassed by pinch-hitting for him. As best as I can see, it was just a trick to get another guy to shave. He'll be gone by the weekend. We're like those thugs who chase down Amish gentlemen and cut off their beards. He'll be gone by the weekend. Why get close?

With the 2013 Yankees, the only stabilizing factor is the ownership, which makes me want to cry. Hal and Hank must be adored by other owners, considering all they have done to destroy the Yankee brand. It's as if Ohio State football decided to shrink its program to improve the rivalry with Northwestern. Our quest for the $189 million payroll remains paramount, and - who knows? - maybe MLB will reward us by creating another round of Wild Card playoffs? As it is, you can be a few games over .500 and still be in the race by September.

Soon, Cashman will trade for some new, burnt-out version of Vernon Wells and Travis Hafner, the pop-up twins who - as likeable as they are personally - are the most wretched 4th and 5th hitters in the game. Lately, Wells has scratched out a few singles; you'd think it was the second coming of Yasel Puig. Hafner kills rallies like a gallon of Round-Up poured a rose. Last night, we had the tying runs on base in the eighth with our 4th and 5th batters coming to the plate, and hope drained from the park like water swirling down a toilet.

Hafner hit a DP ball. He should have been called out. The YES-Mo cameras showed the ump blew the call. That allowed Wells to drive a ball into the ground. Had there not been two outs, he would have netted the DP.

This is the worst Yankee batting order I can remember. You have to go back to 1969 to find such a collection.

What's amazing is that we're still in the race. But Boston is disappearing from view, and everything else is an illusion created by the second Wild Card. We are fighting for the chance to play a one-game series in another city, with our "ace" being the 180-pound CC Sabathia, Cy Young on SlimFast. Good luck, folks. One run per game. The Bronx Unibombers. Excuse me, I need to wretch.


Parson Tom said...

Thanks for posting those stats from 1969, the last year that the Yankees were bad. Made a big step up to mediocre in 1970. This was the first appearance of Thurman Munson, and I didn't remember that Pepitone still had some pop in his bat with 27 dingers. But what comes through most clarly was that Roy White was a good ballplayer. We could use a Roy White in our lineup today. Instead, we got a lot of Jerry Kenney, and we can't even match Gene Michael, who was 6'2" and somehow managed to choke up on the bat a good two feet.

joe de pastry said...

Why did we pick up another left-handed hitting first baseman? So he could platoon with the left- handed hitting first baseman we already have? Or get into a three-way deal with our other left-handed hitting first baseman and our left-handed hitting DH? This season gets curiouser and curiouser.

Mike said...

It shouldn't be too long before Cashman has Rick Ankiel in for a look...what a deal that would be; a little of that left-handed pop AND an emergency relief pitcher. (Although I guess if you got to where Ankiel was pitching things'd be more in "recovery" mode than "rescue".) The Master could nickname him Slick Rick With The Big Stick...I started this out in a sarcastic mood, but I gotta tell you it's sounding better by the second. I hope Cash and the Li'l Bosses can make this happen.

KD said...

Seeing that Youk banner on the side of the Stadium adds insult to injury. I can only surmise that they hate us, the fans. I know it's because I refuse to buy a $10 program..

KD said...

Is CC-Slim's velocity down due to the crash diet? to hell with his blood pressure and LDL. We must strap him to Andy's fearsome couch and force-feed the beanpole cheeseburgers and fried oreos. That will compensate for the crap offense of one run per game. It's the pitchers fault, get it?