Tuesday, July 30, 2013

For the Yankiverse, and for all of Yankeekind, the Day of Reckoning is at hand

Today, the Yankee asteroid strikes Yankee earth.... launching the FOUR HOARSEMEN OF YANKAGEDDON.

1. The Rug Wrath. Bud Selig has sexy-danced long enough for the cameras. It's time for him to drop the loincloth and rid baseball of its problems... the best way he knows: Wrap them into a human form - be it Pete Rose, Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens or the Antichrist, Marvin Miller - douse it with gas and strike a match. (This is the year when Cooperstown inducted the Dead, including an ump and an owner.) The latest Evil One Likeness wears Yankee Number 13. It must be destroyed.

Soon, MLB will have no critics, no problems, no issues, no off-the-field-controversies - and nobody watching in New York City. This is the year when the owners lower the boom on long-term deals for aging stars. (Don't get comfy, Mr. Pujols.) 

A-Rod plans to fight in court. Good. When elephants wrestle, we mice get a free show. For Yankee fans, it may be the only one worth watching in September. It will surely beat the "Playing Third, Jayson Nix" Show.

But A-Rod can't win in court. Not while his final grains of sand run out. Selig can ban him for life, and his lawyers can knock it down to 50 games - a victory of sorts. But time's a flyin', and no judge or jury can restore it. And the sportswriters - bless their arrested development minds - will wait breathlessly for the updates on Grandyman's pinkie. What does it say when ESPN - financially attached at the hip to MLB - is the breaker of all the latest A-Rod stories?

2. The Inertia Monster. Tonight, we learn whether the 2013 Yankees are capable of sustaining momentum. Aww, hell...  we already know they are not, but - hey - we fall for this every time. They couldn't win after Chris Stewart's miracle catch. They couldn't win after Nuni's big hit. Now, it's Jeter's return. I will never underestimate the power of Jeter to lift a team. But the bottom of our batting order remain the best reason to go make a sandwich since the invention of mayonnaise. That hasn't changed. Bottom of the second, two men on, no outs? Go make a sandwich.

3. The Arrival of the Dead. (Actually, the trade deadline arrives tomorrow, but don't stop me, I'm on a roll.) The deal for Alphonso Soriano proved formally that Hal Steinbrenner was not adopted. He's doing exactly what his dad did in the 1980s, when the organization became universally derided as the worst team money can buy. He is overruling experts (Soriano), playing favorites (two years of Ichiro), carping about money ($189 million target) while wasting it on sluggers over the hill (Wells, Hafner), who clog the way for hot young players (sadly, our system is so barren, I cannot name anybody.) Old George happily traded kids that nobody heard of - Willie McGee, Fred McGriff, et al - and the writers didn't question it then, so why should they now?

Soriano homered yesterday, so the deal in Hal's mind, is already a 100 percent success. It won't matter if Cody Black makes the Hall of Fame. Thus, don't be surprised if by this time Thursday, we haven't jettisoned whatever remains in our system - Philly has had a month to scout us - for the increasingly flat-lining Michael Young - as we chase Mr. Selig's phantom one-game Wild Card slot. Can you imagine the locker room celebration across the Yankiverse if we can clinch that final Wild Card slot? Woo-hoo! Down for the next five years, but we get to play one more game!

If we were in the NBA, we'd be within a few losses of the Draft Lottery. If, say, a Bryce Harper were out there - and frankly, there are always Bryce Harpers out there - which would you prefer the Yankees chase? The one-game wild card or a future superstar?

4. The West Coast Trip. Gahhhhhhh. the words haunt me.  How many solid Yankee teams have stepped off the plane from the seven-hour flight and were immediately replaced by actors, posing as the Bombers? The games won't be watched by most of the Yankiverse. We will just read about the pain and suffering, as if it's some uprising in the Middle East.

Folks, the revolution will not be Photoshopped.

It hits today. TODAY. Cover your heads. (And, by the way, loved reading the comments overseas. It occurs to me: The comments ARE this blog.)


JM said...

Yankees vs. Dodgers isn't that bad a deal. They suck. With their record, they'd be a game and a half ahead of us in the AL East. That's chicken feed, and without Frank Perdue's marigold petals.

Mattingly is obviously hamstrung by all the half-assed stars they signed, causing him flashbacks to the 1980s and early 90s Yankees. But at least he doesn't have to listen to Torre's bullshit every day in the dugout, that has to be a relief. Hopefully Donnie doesn't drink Bigelow green tea, or doesn't read radio scripts as badly as Joe 'The Luckiest Manager in the World' Torre.

I want me one of them A-Rod trash cans.

Nice to see you back, Duque. I was out of town for a few days myself, and didn't even write a rant about how the Fat Guy sucked yet again as he aces his way through the AL, with Joe 'By the Binder' G leaving him in no matter how many runs he gives up.

Better to eat innings than to win.

Oh, crap, I'm ranting again. Sorry.

Nice to see Sori back. Better to see Jeter back. And why does Joe de Pastry hate Ichiro? Great defense, great arm, hitting up a storm now that he's past the early season slow start. Too many pastries?

KD said...

I can see it now: Puig walking from one dugout to the other dressed in the visiting team's uniform. Hey, I can dream, can't I?

joe de pastry said...

Yes, I've had as many pastries as you'd expect a man with my name to have consumed, but that's not the cause of my problem with The Mighty Suzuki [who was, admittedly, mighty good on Sunday.] He's not the Suzuki who batted .372 in 2004; he's now a .279 singles hitter who rarely walks. His OPS is .690; Swisher's is .742; Grandy was .811 last year.
But that's not what's bugging me today. Why does the MVP of Bud's team get suspended for the rest of a season in which his team is already dead and he's hurt, but our A-Fraud is going to get a lifetime ban? Are you freaking kidding me? Sue the bastard, tie him up in court for the next four years. I don't like A-Fraud, but I despise Selig.

KD said...

I see you really weren't under FBI attack nor at rehab. so, tell us about the Scotch Whisky!! Do they make good manhattans?

KD said...

John M, I do have some sympathy with Joe's opinion RE: Suzuki. my mild distain comes to the surface mostly when he does that funky pirouette at the plate. seems like a little crutch for being unable to time his swing properly. Tell me that ain't weird!