Thursday, July 11, 2013

From the official transcript: The People v. A-Rod

July 11, 2013 (Official Major League Baseball Document) TRANSCRIPT:

MLB: Testing, one-two-three. Hello, Myrtle? This is Ted. Fill in the legal blah-blahs. We’re here with Mr. Rodriguez, his lawyers, the Commissioner and our task force, the Ryan Braun Fan Club. Guys, guys, that's just a joke. Myrtle, I wish you could see the smiles. Ready, everybody?

For the record, everybody here nodded, except for Mr. Selig, who has made a puppet out of his hairpiece and used it to mouth the word “yes.” For the record, the man is a delight.

Let me also state that we have duly informed The Suspect that one single lie - any falsehood - will bring about his suspension, plus erasure of all achievements in baseball records. All his hits will be distributed to a pool of players including Charlie Hayes, Rickie Ledee and Clay Bellinger.

OK, please state your name and Yankee number.

DEFENDANT:  Alex Rodriguez, number thirteen.

MLB: So... I hear that you’re a real tough guy, a superstar, a Mr. Big, a man who bagged Madonna, a smart cookie, the hombre known as “A-Rod,” am I right?

DEFENDANT: I decline to speak under my Fifth Amendment rights.

MLB: Hooookay? Looks like we got ourselves a real Marcel Marceau, eh? Too bad, A-Rod. I thought you were supposed to be smarter than Ryan Braun. Is that how you plan to hit Verlander? He throws a curve, so you take the Fifth? Listen, Bartolo, I thought we could talk, you know, man to man. I mean, everybody takes some crazy ass pills now and then, right? Aint no shame in playin’ the game... right?  

DEFENDANT: I’m not sure I understand what you said.

MLB: Yo, smartypants, work with me. I’m talking juice, parsley… linseed oil, if you catch my meaning. See that man, Mr. Selig? Last year, the docs said he suffered from low-T. Couldn’t get a rise from an elevator. Now look at him. Thank you, Mr. Selig, you can put down the couch. Come on, A-Rod. We know you juice. Everybody does. How often? Once a day? Twice? When I juice, my pee turns orange? Your pee ever turn orange?

DEFENDANT: I decline to comment based on the Fifth-

MLB: Yeah, right, the Daily News Fifth. Well, I’m taking that answer as a “Yes,” that you pee orange, and you’re probably peeing right now. Let the record show the suspect is blinking, and probably peeing, because we’re onto him.

DEFENDANT: You’re peeing - I mean, playing - with my words.

MLB: I’m taking that as another “Yes.” Quick now, A-Rod, name this person: I’m long, thin and have a point, and on occasion, I’m in the Biogenesis office, and I am sticking out of A-Rod’s caboose. Name me?

DEFENDANT: I don’t know. Joe Torre?

MLB: No, dammit, I’m Pointy McNeedle, and before I entered A-Rod's shiny butt, I took a long drink of something. Yup, I filled up like a camel, and what was it that I drank?

DEFENDANT: Beer, wine? I don’t know.

MLB: It was Human Super-Being Transformational Nectar, like what the secret American scientists gave Captain America, so he could defeat the Nazis? Remember Captain America, A-Rod? When you had that needle in your butt, did you think you were Captain America, fighting the Nazis? Because you’re no Captain America. You were just fighting Jason Varitek. Is that why you juiced?

DEFENDANT: No. NO! You're wrong. No!

MLB: I’m taking that as a “Yes.” Dammit, you’re a worse liar than Papi.  I’m warning you, Thirteen: One lie, and you are gone. Mr. Selig will throw you out of this building like a bag of lice. Take all the super-power serum you want, but you’re no Captain America.

DEFENDANT: No, I don't need to-

MLB: Hah. Gotcha. You don't need to, because you already did! Fifty games in the penalty box! No more questions, your honor. Book him, Myrtle. And Mr. Selig, get down from that desk.

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