Wednesday, July 15, 2020

All (-Star) Virtual Hell Breaks Loose! AL Holds on for Win.

In much of the virtual news media, the big story last night will be how the apocalyptic events prophesied by the Dodger Stadium scoreboard came true last night, when an earthquake confined solely to Chavez Ravine ripped a gigantic fault through the middle of the park, during the presentation of the game's MVP Award to the Houston Astros' Jose Altuve.

Images of Altuve and Joe Buck on the scoreboard video screen flickered off just as the earthquake began, replaced by the image of a Satanic-red Walter O'Malley, complete with horns, tail, and cloven hoofs, cackling maniacally, "I warned you!  I'm taking my stadium back!"

All of the remaining fans, players, and personnel in the stadium ran screaming for the exits.  They were able to make it to safety, except for Altuve and Buck, who were last seen tumbling down into the bottomless, seismic chasm.  The rest of Dodger Stadium soon toppled in after them.

MLB later issued a statement that regretted "some unfortunate technical glitches, following one of the most exciting All-Star games in memory."

Commissioner Rob Manfredmann said that the Dodgers would share The Big A with the Angels for the rest of the season, but hinted strongly that the team might well seek out a new city if Los Angeles did not build it a brand-new, state-of-the-art, all-luxury-box park for $3 billions—plans for which the commissioner's office somehow already hand on hand.

"Well, it would be a handsome park," commented Yankees owner Hal Steinbrenner.

On the sports page, though, the big news was how the large Yankee contingent at the game drove the AL to victory.

A grand-slam home run by Gleyber Torres, another long homer from Gary Sanchez, who also threw two runners out on the bases; a pair of triples by D.J. LeMahieu, who started a brilliant double-play; Miguel Andujar's two doubles off the wall and the strike from left field that cut a runner down at the plate; and Gio Ursula's three, Nettles-like stabs of sure hits at third, all helped to build a big early lead for the Junior Circuit.

Meanwhile, "The Cole Train" matched some of the greatest All-Star pitching performances of the past, by the likes of King Carl Hubbell and Pedro Martinez, striking out NL stars Pete Alonso, Joey Votto, Clay Bellinger, Bryce Harper, Christian Yelich, Nolan Arenado, and Juan Soto, to get the win for his three-inning start.

To secure their eventual, 9-8 victory, though, the AL still needed Yankee hurler J.A. Happ to come out of the bullpen and fan Ketel Marte, Kris Bryant, and Josh Donaldson, with the bases loaded in the ninth.

Nevertheless, the MVP trophy went to Jose Altuve, who had a walk, a bunt single, and a stolen base, before being dragged down to hell.  MLB said that it would have special rescuer climbers searching the crevasse for Altuve and Buck, once the flames died down.




4 comments:

TheWinWarblist said...

Best All-Star game ever.

TheWinWarblist said...

One more thing. New York State and City are seeing a significant spike in new COVID-19 cases after a rash of risky behavior over July 4th weekend. Far more so than that after the George Floyd protests. Which tells us a couple of things. 1) Coronavirus is still endemic in the population and can spread like wildfire if given the chance, and 2) the protestors behaved much better than your average backyard cookout attendee.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE!? HOW MANY MORE HAVE TO SICKEN AND DIE!? JUST SO YOU CAN HAVE A NASTY BURNT HOG DOG AND SHITTY BEER!? FUCKING ASSHOLES!!! STAY OUT OF MY EMERGENCY ROOM!!! DON'T YOU DARE SET FOOT INSIDE MY HOSPITALS!! DIE AT HOME!! I SWEAR I WILL KICK YOU UNTIL YOU BEG FOR DEATH RATHER THAN HELP YOU, YOU GOAT BLOWING, TOILET SEAT LICKING ASSHOLES!!!!!


DO NOT LET YOUR GUARD DOWN!!

Stay safe!! Stay distant!! Wear a mask!! Wash your hands!! FUCK YOU HAL!!!!!!!





Seriously, forever and always, fuck you Hal.

13bit said...

First - Virtual baseball is almost as good as my virtual sex life. Thanks, Hoss, more than I can say. For the baseball, that is.

Second - Winnie, you should see my neighborhood - the Village. By day, people are semi-behaving, semi-masking with regularity, and being kind of good citizens, young people aside, who seem to completely not give a shit. BY NIGHT, though, all bets are off, and 20 to 35 year olds, mainly, walk around, screaming, drinking and mingling closely with no masks. My contempt for humanity shrinks every day.

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