Wednesday, July 1, 2020

Virtual Baseball: The Birds Virtually Play Ball.

Tanking v. non-tanking reached a new, virtual nadir of actual competition tonight in Camden Yards, as the Virtual Yankees—still without virtual former superstar, Aaron Judge—smashed and mutilated Orioles yet again, 16-0.

Yankees starter Gerrit Cole coasted through six innings, allowing just two singles and a hit batsman while striking out 12, and probably could have thrown a complete game if there had been any reason for him to do so.

Loading up on the hits and the home runs like so many sample packs of beef jerky at the local Piggly Wiggly, the Bombers tallied 24 safeties in all, including jacks from Luke Voit, Gary Sanchez, Gio Urshela, Clint Frazier, Brett Gardner, and—because it was Baltimore!—Gleyber Torres.  Meanwhile, of the announced attendance of 31,000 at the ballpark tonight, approximately 30,000 were Yankees fans, who entertained themselves between scoring bursts by chasing Birders around the stands and pantsing them.

Not even this year's new, seventh-inning mascot contest between competing soft-shell crabs named after famous Baltimoreans went well, as Lord Baltimore, H.L. Mencken, Alger Hiss, and Spiro Agnew all collided, and burst into flames.  Still, they proved delicious with a light butter sauce.

"To paraphrase Ogden Nash, the only great Baltimore poet ever to be killed by improperly prepared coleslaw, " Manager Ma Boone said after the game,"'Who wants my shellfish/ I'm not selfish!'"

MLB announced that beginning next year, the Orioles will get to start every game with a runner already on second base, which should ensure that sooner or later they will get a runner to third base.

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