Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Exclusive: Excerpts from Mariano Rivera's future autobiography

It caught the corner. "Strike three!" the umpire bellowed, and we had won.

I looked at Jorge in disbelief. The ump was certainly taking his time. Then our hopes were fulfilled. "Strike three," he yelled, and the game was over.

He swung hard, put solid wood on the ball, and for a moment, my heart stopped. Then Jeter threw to first, and the game was ours.

"Out!" the umpire cried. And our celebration began.

It cut the middle of the plate. We didn't even wait for the call. The Yankees were world champions once again.

"One more pitch," I told myself. "Just one more strike." And then, somehow, I threw it.

"Steeeerike," the umpire said. And we were going home victorious again.

It was so close at first base, it could have gone either way. Thankfully, another save was in the books.


Anonymous said...

We want Mo! We want Mo!

(Btw my captcha is spermatic)

Manuel Noriega, Esq. said...

Doesn't quite have that Panamanian flavor.

Leinstery said...

"After the post game celebration I was exuberant that we were once again world champions, however I couldn't help but feel that all of this was a big lie.

I had been seeing many men (to help me cope with my problem) for the past three years and I didn't know how to tell any one about my situation. I would wake up in a cold sweat after a nightmare that my secret had been exposed. But after years of torment I had to come clean. I mean how would the immortal world react to the immortal Mariono coming out over such an embarrassing issue.

I had to tell every that I in fact was a balding man. All of those doctors I had seen over the years couldn't do anything to solve my male pattern baldness. No amount of championship rings could reverse the horseshoe i was growing on my head..."

Excerpt from Mariano's book.

JM said...

"As the reporters crowded around me in front of my locker, I told them what was in my heart. 'I thank Mr. Steinbrenner, who continues to believe in me even though he's an incredible asshole to most people and a fat bully. And of course, I thank my Lord and Savior, Jesus Cutter, from whom all good things come and who has made my life so blessed.'

"The reporters held their microphones in place as I paused. I could see a tear in the eyes of more than one of them. I continued, 'Lastly, I would like to thank the fans, by telling them to stay away from those snake oil salesmen at Hair Club for Men. Those guys are not good Christians, they rooked me blind saying they could cure my male pattern baldness and left my noggin in the state you see it today. Thank you.'

"There was a heavy silence around my locker, as the reporters slowly lowered their microphones. Mike Lupica brushed a tear away from his eye, hoping nobody would see. Then suddenly, David Waldstein called out, 'There's Jeter!!' And they all ran away like a pack of mad baboons smelling a female in heat. Cano must have seen the look on my face, because he came over and put a hand on my shoulder. 'Relax, Mo,' he said. 'It's Jetertown.'"

Pope Francis said...

John, are you saying that Jesus Christ can't hit Mo's cutter? I beg to differ.