Countdown to the end of 2023 Season

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

A philosophical question each of us must address regarding the looming Yankee apocalypse

Which sign along the road to Stump, Maryland, represents a deeper, more Stygian future Yankee darkness? Think carefully:

1. Ben Francisco batting second.

2. Ben Francisco playing as DH.

Listen: I have no personal axe to grind with Ben Francisco. He's probably a lovely man. But when the Retrieval Empire  added him, I foresaw his role as a defensive OF, a demon on the paths and a late-inning PH for a Nix, a Stewart or the other Francisco, as in Cervelli. On opening day, I was astonished and - yes, a bit frightened - to see Ben listed as our DH. I thought, "No, I'm dreaming this. I'll wake up and find Ron Hassey and Chili Davis have returned, because we always have at least four 35-year-old milk trucks sitting in the dugout, waiting to swing the donut-bat."

Well, I was wrong.

OK, I don't want to sit here and just gripe, gripe, gripe about Ben Francisco. That's what Redsock fans do. (Can we start ridiculing Redsock fans again?) But if I were an opposing manager, I would study last night's Yankee lineup and tell my starter, "Yu, forget about throwing right-handed: Tonight, you're a lefty!" 

Yes, it's early. And yes, it's complicated. We have Grandyman and the Text Message returning. We have Jeet and Arod coming back - maybe. There are roster spots and options, contracts and waiver wires to consider - all the things we pig-headed bloggarts never understand. But Ben Francisco, DH? Come on!

Somewhere out there, Ronnier Mustellier - the only newcomer to rouse my flaccid hopes in spring training - is still icing his meaty, black-and-blue thighs. The guy heals more slowly than the Pope - not the one in office, but the one feeding the pigeons. What happened to Musty? One day, he's on the verge of coming north. Next, he's "bruised." Bruised? (Actually, he's supposed to join Scranton next week.) Jeet plays whole seasons bruised. Must be a hell of a bruise. Because Ben Franciso is our DH.

Oh, and if you're scoring at home: The answer to the above philosophical question is not one or two. It's the one I couldn't bring myself to include. All of the above. Because that's what we saw last night.


JM said...

It's sad. More than sad. Tragic. Absurd. Like Red Sox fans suddenly thinking they have a moral core because a couple of jerkwads bombed their city.

As some Bush or other once said, this. shall. not. stand. Nice guy or no, Ben's got to go.

Come on, repeat after me...nice guy or no, Ben's got to go...nice guy or no, Ben's got to go...

el duque said...

Nice guy or no, Ben's got to go.

Anonymous said...

Nice guy or no, Ben's gotta go.

KD said...

But i did have fun last night with his name. Told my wife his brother, Sam, was in our farm system. but, yeah, nice guy or no, Ben's got to go.

el duque said...

Like Jason Nix's son, Stevie?

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

The last Pope had to retire early due to his use of performance drugs as a young man playing on church teams. Give me an "Oh God"

ny27lars said...

In his last five games as designated swinger, he is 2 for 18, and 0 for 2 so far tonight. Why is he even on the team?

Nostradamus "Gucci" Gamble said...

Evidence of the impending Apocalypse: bases loaded, game on the line in Tampa- Girardi elects NOT to pinch hit for Chris "Young Girardi" Stewart. Chris fouls out, confirming Girardi's lack of managing acumen. Next batter, Itchy Roe, knocks in 2 runs, wins game, obscures Girardi's gaff. Still, what were ya thinkin', Joe? Sterling must manage!